twelve months, twelve things

I can't believe how fast the past year has gone. Exactly one year ago today, I was in the middle of the most difficult, joyful, exciting, anxiety-provoking, life-changing, mind-altering experience of my life. Can't even begin to express in words the joy this little man has brought into life.



one: he has the cutest little crawl he does. when he doesn't feel like he's going fast enough, he brings one leg out to the side and does a sort of crab crawl.

two: loves all foods including, to my demise, celery YUCK! So happy he's a good eater

three: consistently sleeping through the night

four: he's such a ladies man...tween girls cannot get enough of this little handsome man

five: has a new way to say he's hungry. opens his mouth and smacks his lips together and makes a little mwah mwah noise

six: took his first steps a few days ago but still prefers crawling/cruising...if he's anything like his uncle, he will skip walking and head straight for running. God, help us!

seven: loves the sounds of his voice, especially his screaming voice. Cracks him up.

eight: prefers being outside to inside

nine: had a fantastic birthday party. We haven't really let him have much sugar but he did get his own cupcake and wasn't sure what to think of it. He very delicately separated the frosted top from the bottom, took a few bites very gently and then realized he loved it and started slamming it in his mouth. Yes, we have it on video. :)

ten: thinks everything is a phone and puts it up to his ear and makes a sound of "hello"

eleven: is starting to bite and thinks it's hilarious...not so much for mommy or daddy (or anyone else being bitten for that matter!).

twelve: is the love his mommy's, daddy's, grandma's, grandpa's, uncle's, aunt's, etc, etc...life

eleven months, eleven things

1. Has four teeth on top, two teeth on bottom.

2. Saying lots of words: baba (bottle), ba (bye), hi, Izzy, Mama, Dada, GiGi (not sure what that means)

3. Loves to dance and will boo up and down while he's sitting or standing

4. Favorite game is peek-a-boo

5. New love of swimming

6. Is a little foodie! Fresh fruit and veggies are preferred over canned or frozen. And, don't try to pull one over on him cause it ain't happenin'!

7. Waves like Ms. America...only cute for awhile little one.

8. Will soon be a millionaire. Grandma W gives him a dollar everytime she calls him dollboy (her fav nickname)...

9. Cab give the sweetest kisses and the most violent kisses...it's up to you of you want to chance it! I certainly do.

10. Has no idea how big he's getting.

11. Close to walking. Has a little push walker and has mastered it. Jason thinks it'll be a while but Mama thinks it'll be sooner!

my life at a PRTF

So, I work in a PRTF. For those of you unaware, PRTF stands for Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility. This isn't summer camp, people. This is for youth with serious mental and behavioral problems. There is nothing I dislike about my job. Ok, ok, the paperwork is NOT fun, but the reward is much better than the notsofun stuff. Today, a teen left us. He had been at this placement for nine months. That's six months longer than most kids stay. He had serious problems, of which I will not divulge for many reasons (confidentiality being the biggest reason). Today we celebrated his success. He is now a kid who understands where his problems lie, where they stem from, how they could hold him back, and what he needs to do to take control of his life. Not only that, he can VERBALIZE it!! This morning, just hours before he left, he accepted Christ. On campus, there is a chapel and a pastor who has chapel service on a weekly basis. A lot of the kids go just to get out of the cottage. This kid started opening his ears to the Word and started to change...coincidence??...I THINK NOT!! I did not know of his salvation until he was driving away when my co-worker said, "He was saved this morning and read the sinner's prayer outloud...twice." I lost it. I had held it together pretty well until then. Many people ask, "How can you work with THOSE kids?", "Don't you get afraid that they will hurt you (cause they do hurt people at times...badly)?", "Couldn't you get more money somewhere else?"...THOSE kids are MY kids...wouldn't trade them for the world. God, thank you so much for these kids and the change they are making in MY life. Thank you for bringing me to this place of hurt and giving me an opportunity to learn from THEM. Most days I feel like I shouldn't get paid to do this work. It is more of a blessing than I ever imagined and can't wait to see what happens next.

something worth fighting for

This morning, Will woke up at 4:30, ready to start the day. I love watching him in the mornings and learn a LOT from all the little things he does. For instance, he was determined to climb to the window and look outside. I, however, was motivated for him to go back to sleep so, as he crawled, I grabbed his sweet little waist and pulled him back into my arms. And the fight continued. Climb-grab-pull, climb-grab-pull, climb-grab-pull. It continued for a short while until, you guessed it, he won. As he laid his chin on the pillow and just stared outside, I was reminded of God's love for me and His fight for me. As much as I pull away from Him at times, He lovingly grabs me around my not-so-sweet and not-so-little waist and pulls me back into His arms. I fight it at times but, in the end, I know He is there for me, fighting for me. "The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace." Exodus 14:14. What a wonderful reminder.

ten months, ten things

Oh, this little boy makes me so happy. Can't imagine life without him and thank God EVERYDAY for the joy he brings to the lives of everyone who knows him...especially mama :)

10. He's got this new cheesy smile that's slightly cockeyed and 100% ADORABLE. I love it!

9. Loves bathtime without the baby bathtub. I lean him up against the tub and he watches as it fills. The second I start dumping the toys in, I'd better be ready to put him in as he is immediately reaching for the water. Little water baby for sure!

8. He loves the glider ottoman. I'll sit him on it, lay him on it...doesn't matter. He just moves back and forth rocking himself. (of course, I'm holding on to him, but he loves it just the same)

7. Can babies have six-pack abs? If so, I'm pretty sure he does. I've got a little baby model on my hands!!

6. He's really starting to explore all of his toys. I'll dump the basket out and he goes into explorer-mode. Taste, touch, sound...he'll find it!

5. We traveled to Tennessee last month and he did better than the adults. Nuf said.

4. Loves avocados and toast and turkey and cheese and mexican rice...the list could go on and on. BUT, he hates beans (except the refried variety :)

3. He has found Izzy's dog dish and is pretty sure it's a miniature bathtub.

2. He's super fast. Truly, I have to speed if I want to catch up with him. He almost always heads for the bathroom. Pretty sure he's checking to see if it's bathtime.

1. My new favorite thing he's doing: we have floor vents between the hallway and kitchen. He crawls on all fours everywhere in the house except over those. The second he comes to the vents, he bear crawls over them and it's adorable. I'll have to video it.

hmmm

I often don't blog because I don't have a specific topic, thought, trouble, etc. What I often find when I journal (which is NOT often, mind you), is that just the act of sitting down to type or write brings about many a thought. The writing becomes more authentic, more therapeutic, and often more "brutally honest", if you will. So, here I am, at the end of my lunch break, writing about...not sure yet.

What's on my mind...my son, my husband, weight watchers points, 9:00 pm tonight (when I get to sit and relax a bit...oh, how I look forward to 9:00 pm!!)

So, we had a bit of a scare this past week. We were pretty sure Will had an infant version of the measles. Yes, I said MEASLES! You know, like in 1890 when kids got measles all the time kind of measles. Didn't think it was possible but doc was pretty sure. Thankfully, the same symptoms that come with measles also come with your run-of-the-mill combination yeast-infection-ear-infection-teething-not-wanting- solid-foods-staying-up-until-9:00-because-he-doesn't-want-to-nap-until-4:00-pm kind of, er, "condition". Sigh. Daddy is staying home today. Doc said best thing we can do to get rid of the yeast infection is have a lot of nekked baby time. Yep. Bet Jason's glad he stayed home today :) NOT IT!! First person to call "NOT IT" doesn't have to change the poopy diaper...it's an awesome game that Jason and I play. Well, only awesome when I win :)

Nesting. Um, maybe it's sympathy nesting since my sister is preggers cause I am certainly NOT (not that I haven't thought about it a lot lately!). I totally want to move everything around in the house. Maybe the kitchen can be the dining room and the dining room can be the play/art room and the living room the bedroom and the bedroom...BREATHE! Oh, how fun change is. No, I really mean it. I love change...when I'm in charge and in complete control. Ahhh, and here it comes. The therapeutic and authentic and organic part of random blogging. What is it about control that...controls me? Why must I be in control of everything. Why not let God be in control. Oh, because I'm human and pretty sure I know best about everything. Maybe God has a plan in mind for me. Pretty sure that's what he meant when he says "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not harm you...plans to give you hope and a future"...Jeremiah 29:11 (from memory so not exactly). I need to post this verse. How much more hope do I need? Promise to give me hope, a future, to prosper me, to not harm me! What an awesome God. Now, if I could only let go and let God!

nine months, nine things

1. In the matter of days, has gone from kind of crawling to fast crawling, pulling up on furniture, and cruising. I am SO not ready for this!

2. Went swimming and (mostly) loves it :)

3. Loves ice cream...not that he's ever had any.

4. First vacation...currently in Tennessee! He travels better than any adult I know!

5. Has three emerged teeth and three more coming soon.

6. Two words: ladies man.

7. Still loves mornings.

8. Waves with his hands and his feet.

9. Met a cat for the first time on vacation and is fascinated by her. Tenses his whole body and just squeels. Cuteness.

eight months, eight things

1. He's saying "mama", "dada", and "ba". Love it.

2. He's not crawling but boy can that boy move...backwards, still!

3. He's LOVING solid foods now and can eat like a mad man. Favorites: sweet potatoes with cinnamon, peas, pears, and carrots.

4. He's just always happy. I can't believe his personality. He's so fun.

5. He's hilarious...just like his mama.

6. His big-'ole cloth diaper booty is wearing some 12 month pants. When he's wearing disposables, he wears 3-6 month. It's hilarious how big his booty is in those diapers!

7. He's upgraded from an infant to a convertible car seat. Getting SO big!

8. Anytime he's sitting inside something (baby bath tub, high chair, car seat, grocery cart) he holds on for dear life! Arms stretched out to the sides and hands gripped tightly. It's adorable. Like he's always on a roller coaster ride. Couldn't have anything to do with my driving...

nursing school

The thoughts herein did not start as a blog post but instead a response to my friend Abbe's blog post. As I began writing, I was surprised at how much I wanted to say. Hence, this long post. Abbe wrote in brutal honesty about her experiences breastfeeding. Like Abbe, I had quite the perfect image of breastfeeding while I was pregnant with Will. I learned about the bond between mother and child while breastfeeding in graduate school of all places. My male professor, whom I am a BIG fan of, painted a tear-jerking picture of what nursing is like. Granted, the picture I am about to paint was made up in my mind, he didn’t paint this picture, just described the bond between mother and child during breastfeeding. This is all what my mind developed.

Imagine: you are sitting in hand-carved oak rocking chair that you plan to pass on throughout the generations to come. You are wearing a white linen gown that is blowing gently in the spring air. You are by a window and the smell of fresh lilacs blows gently through the open linen-curtain covered window. Although all that beauty surrounds you, you are focused on one thing---your small child. You are holding this child, rocking him while he nurses, longingly gazing into his eyes. The bond is unbelievable. He nurses until he falls asleep, there is plenty of milk for the next time that will remain, painfree, until he needs it…

*************************INSERT RECORD-SCRATCHING MUSIC*****************************

Um, not in my world. In my world, it went something like this: Jason had gone to work, I had settled into the ONLY spot in the house I could get “situated” to nurse somewhat comfortably. Linen gown replaced with puke-stained black yoga pants that did not in any way make me relaxed like yoga does. I was using a nipple shield because my nipples were inverted and Will couldn’t latch on. He FINALLY, after many, MANY FRUSTRATING MOMENTS, of the nipple shield falling off and having to put it back on, latched on and was eating. The stupid nipple shield was my nemesis. I hated it like I hate evil. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not. I’m amazed I continued on with nursing. Was probably that voice in my head that said I was a bad mother if I didn’t nurse for AT LEAST one year. So, back to being settled…I was finally settled, Will was nursing. Both hands were being used to hold on the stupid nipple shield (can you tell I didn’t like it?) and holding his head because the Boppy kept slipping. Finally, peace…then Izzy started barking. She had to go outside. There was no WAY I was getting up to let her out. So…she made a mess and, dare I actually say that my dog does this…cleaned it up. All while maintaining eye contact with me as if to say, “Sucka!” I thought eye contact was to be maintained with my beautiful baby, not my feces-eating dog. Oh, I really can’t believe I said that. Oh well, as Abbe has inspired…I’m being brutally honest.

Fast forward to going back to work. The pump bag. My second nemesis. For a while, I was able to pump 2-3 bottles of breastmilk in an 8 hour day. Recently, I’ve only been able to pump 1-2 OUNCES of breastmilk that took 2, 20-minute pumping sessions out of my work day. Then I would go home and pump EVERY TWO HOURS in the middle of the night just to get enough milk for him to ALMOST make it through a day without formula. I finally had to start supplementing formula because I wasn’t making enough. That damn voice in my head that kept saying “you will do a disservice to your son if you don’t breastfeed for AT LEAST one year-AT LEAST…you have allergies in your family and breastmilk will help avoid that...breastfed babies don't struggle with weight as they get older...breastfed babies are smarter...what kind of mother doesn't breastfeed their babies for as long as possible...maybe you should try fenugreek or mother’s tea again, it works for everyone else…maybe drink more water…smell Will’s clothes while pumping will help…formula is evil...you may as well give your baby poison if you even think about feeding him formula”...sigh. SIGH. SI-IGH.

Present day. Starting last week I have stopped pumping. The first day of going to work without having to first prepare my pump bag with disinfected bottles, pump parts, etc. was like my first day of freedom. NOT exaggerating…AT ALL. Since my production had already started to decrease, I haven’t been in much pain and have still had plenty to nurse Will in the evenings and weekends. I am prepared for production to decrease due to not pumping and am ok with that. I am learning to be more patient with myself and understand that I am not supermom…despite what the voices in my head tell me :)

seven months, seven things

As if I wasn't random enough in my blog posts before, now I can barely get enough time to post once a month about my favorite topic on this planet: baby Will! Here we are, seven months after meeting the little love of my life, and I'm still in awe of him. I wonder if that will ever stop...not likely. :)

Seven months! Where did the past seven months go? Just yesterday...sigh. In any case, here were are. He is SO much fun these days. I remember so clearly the days of colic, merconium, being pee'd on, sleepless nights. Boy have things changed! He has prepared me for baby number 2 in ways I never thought possible. I love this little man.

SEVEN THINGS

1. He has mastered crawling...backwards, that is. Can seem to go forward but he is certainly mobile backwards. Gone are the days of just leaving him playing on the floor in the living room.

2. He loves car rides. Unless he's just starving, he loves just being in the car, looking around outside.

3. He has the greatest laugh/smile and isn't afraid to share it...as long as he knows you. Not willing to share with just anyone and mommy likes it that way :)

4. Still sleeping through the night for the most part but has started showing a preference for side or tummy sleeping. Such a big boy.

5. He knows the difference between disposable diapers and cloth and isn't afraid to voice his opinion. Much prefers cloth and turns up his nose at disposables. Such a snob :)

6. Does NOT, under any circumstance, like his nose to be touched. Couldn't be because Mommy is obsessed with having his nose clean. Now that I think about it, it's really only Mommy that he doesn't like messing with his nose.

7. He is in AWE of Izzy. When she comes around, a HUGE smile overtakes his face and he follows her every move. One day, I left the room for a second to put away groceries (leaving Will in his car seat for a moment) and came back to find Izzy curled up in a ball on his lap in his car seat. It was cute but also scary. Can't leave those two alone together anymore...but it was still cute, both sleeping so peacefully. I think if Izzy could get in there, she'd sleep in his crib with him. So glad they like each other.

six months, six things

Oh my sweet, sweet boy...where do I even begin. Six months, six thousand things is more like it!!

1. He loves the game of covering his mouth with his hands when you try to make him laugh. I will "come at him" with my "tickling hands" and as I approach his face he quickly brings both hands to his face and laughs hysterically. So fun!

2. Will loves tummy time and is starting to push up to his knees...in an effort to crawl, I imagine. Boy is he growing!

3. Although he continues to be in the 20th or so percentile for weight and 50th percentile for length, this boy seems SO big to everyone. Not sure what it is but he seems SO big. Probably the cloth diapers :)

4. His smile can light up a room. I've not encountered anyone that won't smile when they see him. Even people that "don't like kids" love him!

5. He's WAY interested in food although he's still not started on solids since he's been sick. He will sit at the table with us in his Bumbo and just watch every move from plate to mouth and back to plate. He mimicks us when we chew. So darn cute.

6. He's so, SO close to saying his first words. Hello, good, and mama are coming soon, I believe! He's got "Goo" and "Ga" down. OH, and still no teeth. Can I add that as part of #6? I'm his mom so I say YES!

too fast

T minus nine days until my little boy can enjoy some solid foods. I can't believe how fast time has gone. I remember how overwhelming it was coming home from the hospital in his first days. I sat on the edge of the couch, just staring at him and wondering how in the world Jason and I were going to keep this little creature alive. I'm notorious for killing plants, how in the world could a little helpless human be protected in my care. Well, I've been amazed at the skills that have been apparently within in us our entire lives. I have seen myself go from an overwhelmed "mom" who cringed at the thought of slobber, let alone anything else that might come from the littliest body to a real-life, not-for-tv MOMMY. Not only am I over being grossed-out by slobber, I'm now wiping in on my pant legs and moving on :)

Jason. I don't even know where to start. Jason has become...well, he has become. Like me, he started overly anxious about everything related to parenthood. Keep the house clean, take out the trash, wash the diapers, sweep the floor, change a diaper, make sure to use ointment, has Will had a bath today...too much to do, let alone actually spending time with Will. Now, Jason wakes up early so that while I'm getting ready he can "wear" Will around the house. They visit me in the bathroom while I get ready, they help me pick out clothes for the day, play with Izzy, spend amazing amounts of time just staring at each other in the mirror. Makes me teary just thinking about the bond they are developing and how meaningful that will be to Will when he is a father.

It's all going too fast...
I'm gonna miss this...

random thoughts

i'm a thinker of random thoughts, a planner of things to come, a "I should try that some day", a dreamer of a simpler life (but live a crazy one) kind of gal. I am living in the land of "shoulds" and I don't want to anymore (*insert childlike tantrum here*). Not that I don't think list-making is productive but when I don't accomplish all of the things on my already-much-too-long list, I resort right back to the shoulda-woulda-coulda way of thinking. This...is not productive. I'm a pretty flexible person when it comes to everyone else but me. Although I try to live in a land full of color, I find myself back in the black and white kind of thinking. All or nothing. It's truly exhausting and takes me away from my real goal: to be the woman God created me to be. When God was creating me, I doubt He said, "Well, I'm going to create her to be perfect at EVERYTHING. There were be no imperfections, she will do everything by the book." Ok, I more than DOUBT He said that, I am CONFIDENT he didn't say that. So, here I am. Back at the drawing board. Trying to make time to spend with those closest to me which is very challenging when my bedtime routine starts at 7:30...well, Will's starts at 7:30. Then 8:00-10:00 pm is spent picking up the house, preparing cloth diapers for the next day, pumping breastmilk, dishes, laundry...oh, and then I might have a bit just to relax...if I want to stay up until 11:00. This having a baby thing sure changes your life. I know, I know...everyone told me that before Will was born but you just don't know how real it is until you're holding the little one in your arms, surrounded by dirty laundry, and just completely consumed by how excited you are that he's having a bowel movement, or burped, or has chunky little legs, or said "GOO"...none of which, by the way, is exciting when another adult does that. When do chunky legs and bowel movements become not-so-cute? It's really too bad because I have/do both and really wish someone would say "how sweeeeetttt" when they see my legs :)

So, what do I do with these random thoughts? I think I shall do nothing that takes my focus away from my goal. That means focusing less on trying to make my house look like Martha lives there and spending more time with my husband after Will is asleep. That means worrying less when we don't get the diapers washed and have to use disposables and spending more time in the Word. That means spending time with God in the mornings instead of doing dishes left over from last night so that I don't have to "come home to dirty dishes at night". That means enjoying every last drop of life...everything that it has to offer...every last delicious God-given morsel whether good or bad, happy or sad. Feels good to say all of this outloud and put things into perspective. Time to focus rather than just go on auto pilot. Time to enjoy the ride.

five months, five things

1. man burps. man. burps.

2. Wiggly Worm. He has started to do circles on his back in his play yard. We will put him in with his head facing north and go back to check on him minutes later and his head is facing south. Just as happy as can be!

3. He loves to dance. Video is posted below and is definitely worth watching!!

4. Thanks to Dr. S's colic treatment and a new swaddling technique, Will is sleeping through the night and has been for a month now (typically 8:00 pm to 6:00 am). So nice. Now if I could just stop watching the monitor and get some sleep myself. Maybe I need to be swaddled.

5. He is such a morning person. I have watched him on the monitor some mornings and he's awake and just laying there. When we come in the room, it's all smiles. Greatest part of my day.

four months, four things

Well, since month four is almost over, I should probably write this blog :)

William Grayson Worley, month four, four things

1. Will is SUCH a morning person. It matters not how the night went, if he slept well, if he was sick...he wakes up with the biggest smile on his face. The last few mornings I have watched him on the monitor wake up and just lie there smiling until we go and get him. I hope this sticks.

2. He has started laughing! It hasn't been consistent but it is SO cute!

3. His favorite toy is a little crinkly elephant we have affectionately named "Chris Crinkle". Daddy picked it out.

4. Will loves to use his feet almost more than his hands when he plays and his long monkey toes sure do help in the playing process.