random thoughts

i'm a thinker of random thoughts, a planner of things to come, a "I should try that some day", a dreamer of a simpler life (but live a crazy one) kind of gal. I am living in the land of "shoulds" and I don't want to anymore (*insert childlike tantrum here*). Not that I don't think list-making is productive but when I don't accomplish all of the things on my already-much-too-long list, I resort right back to the shoulda-woulda-coulda way of thinking. This...is not productive. I'm a pretty flexible person when it comes to everyone else but me. Although I try to live in a land full of color, I find myself back in the black and white kind of thinking. All or nothing. It's truly exhausting and takes me away from my real goal: to be the woman God created me to be. When God was creating me, I doubt He said, "Well, I'm going to create her to be perfect at EVERYTHING. There were be no imperfections, she will do everything by the book." Ok, I more than DOUBT He said that, I am CONFIDENT he didn't say that. So, here I am. Back at the drawing board. Trying to make time to spend with those closest to me which is very challenging when my bedtime routine starts at 7:30...well, Will's starts at 7:30. Then 8:00-10:00 pm is spent picking up the house, preparing cloth diapers for the next day, pumping breastmilk, dishes, laundry...oh, and then I might have a bit just to relax...if I want to stay up until 11:00. This having a baby thing sure changes your life. I know, I know...everyone told me that before Will was born but you just don't know how real it is until you're holding the little one in your arms, surrounded by dirty laundry, and just completely consumed by how excited you are that he's having a bowel movement, or burped, or has chunky little legs, or said "GOO"...none of which, by the way, is exciting when another adult does that. When do chunky legs and bowel movements become not-so-cute? It's really too bad because I have/do both and really wish someone would say "how sweeeeetttt" when they see my legs :)

So, what do I do with these random thoughts? I think I shall do nothing that takes my focus away from my goal. That means focusing less on trying to make my house look like Martha lives there and spending more time with my husband after Will is asleep. That means worrying less when we don't get the diapers washed and have to use disposables and spending more time in the Word. That means spending time with God in the mornings instead of doing dishes left over from last night so that I don't have to "come home to dirty dishes at night". That means enjoying every last drop of life...everything that it has to offer...every last delicious God-given morsel whether good or bad, happy or sad. Feels good to say all of this outloud and put things into perspective. Time to focus rather than just go on auto pilot. Time to enjoy the ride.