Stream of Consciousness

I just read Pioneer Woman's blog and was inspired to write a Laura-ish/Pioneer Woman-wish blog with random thoughts/stream of consciousness. Clear as mud?

1. I am sitting in Panera Bread with their free Wi-Fi. Supposed to be working but found my way to my blog. I guess this is called a lunch break? Whatever that is.

2. I am close to the date for scheduling my surgery. I am overwhelmed (in a good way) daily with thoughts of what my life will be like post-surgery. Sometimes this brings me to tears, even right now I'm overcome with excitement. I've decided to send my surgeon a "thank-you-in-advance" card. I'm going to pick one up today.

3. Panera has yummy soup. I LOVE soup. I remember the surprise party Jason threw for me for my 30th birthday. He planned everything to the "T". It was a soup and dessert party. There were several kinds of soup. He smelled like soup when he picked me up from school the day of my party. I remember the smile on his face. It was sweet. I LOVE soup....and Jason :)

4. We are getting ready to go on a long-weekend getaway to celebrate our 11-year anniversary, which is Friday. I can't wait! Heading to St. Louis for a few days of museums and fancy food. Then going to wine country in Missouri for some Octoberfest celebration and staying at a B&B. My brother-in-law graciously got us a VERY discounted room at the Hilton in St. Louis. Tre Fancy!! YAY!! Will is spending the weekend with my family. We are mailing him a gift while we're away: a 2-foot Ugly Doll. He's going to LOVE it.

5. I LOVE my job. Can I say LOVE enough? I mean it. Yesterday, as I was leaving, one of my teen clients, who has experienced trauma that would keep you awake at night cursing mankind said (actually yelled across a room of people) to me, "Thank you for loving me, Michelle". She is a miracle. She has gone from not trusting people AT ALL to being able to acknowledge that someone loves her in front of her peers. I am so very blessed. I believe, I know, this is my mission field. I can't help but be in love with this work. God is amazing in his plans. Even through trauma, God is present.

That's all. I suddenly am without words. Plus, Panera only allows 30 minutes of free Wi-Fi during peak lunch hours.

Michelle out.

decisions, decisions

Had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon yesterday. Lots of decisions made although there are more to be made. What we know "for sure":

1. I am going to plan to have the surgery done this year, maybe even next month!

2. Have to secure medical loan for $12,000. Doesn't that just sound fun? Donations accepted :)

3. EGD scheduled for this Thursday. Basically, they are going to stick a scope down my throat to check out my stomach and make sure all is ok. Doesn't that sound loverly? Um, no. Especially when they have to ask you questions like "do you have a living will" and makes statements like "make sure you have someone who will be with you for 12 full hours after the procedure". Thanks, that makes me feel comfortable. I'm more nervous about this procedure than I am the actual surgery!! Prayers welcomed.

4. November 4th...scheduled for psychological evaluation and appointment with nutritionist. I'm actually looking forward to this day.

5. Tomorrow I'm going to call and schedule the surgery date. I will be in the hospital less than 24 hours start to finish. One week of recovery. Then I'm "done"! There are little complications with Gastric Sleeve (which is the procedure I've decided on after meeting with the surgeon and talking a LOT with Jason). Doc said he has performed this surgery on close friends who he goes to dinner with and said you can hardly tell except that he eats 1/3rd of what Doc eats.

6. Prepare for brutal honesty....Doc said I can expect to lose 80% of my excess body weight. Keep in mind that is based on the 120 pounds that a 5'7" person "should" weight. He said I'd probably lose around 175 pounds. That is 1.75 New Kids on the Block.

7. First thing I will do the second it is possible: plan my trip to World's of Fun. Who's with me?!?!?!?!?!

8. Next step: start day-dreaming about the clothes I will get to wear. At my current weight, my style is largely determined for me. Not anymore, baby!! I have no idea what my style might be. Do you know I'm going to probably weight less than I did in the 6th grade! Since I probably won't dress like I did in the 6th grade, I'm going to have to start researching styles I like. How exciting! Gonna need help!!

Anxious is a good word for how I'm feeling.

today

So, after my mostly informative and detached blog yesterday, I am an emotional mess today. I'm so sad about this news and was in "fix-it" gear yesterday. Today, not so much. I'm just sad. I don't know what else to say. It's heart breaking. I want more babies. So badly. This is hard.

hmm

Well, I'm not sure what to title this blog. Found out today that I have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome. TS is a chromosomal condition that describes girls and women with common features that are caused by complete or partial absence of the second sex chromosome. If you are familiar with Turner's Syndrome (TS), you will likely know that I do not have any of the physical features of this condition. I just learned about this all today so I couldn't tell you much other than people with TS generally are short in stature, may have some problems with intellectual functioning, and often have premature ovarian cancer. MOSAIC Turner's Syndrome is different. All I understand right now is this:

1. This has caused my miscarriages.
2. It is likely that I will have difficulty carrying a baby to term.
3. If I was able to get pregnant and make it to the second trimester I have a much better chance of having a full term baby.
4. If I got pregnant with a girl, her chances of Turner's Syndrome (not Mosaic, but full TS) are great.
5. Will is a miracle.

That's how I understand it now. I know that I'm pretty overwhelmed with the news and maybe don't understand all the details. The Fertility Specialist suggested I see a geneticist to see if this condition lies only within my blood. If it does, then fertility treatment could be helpful. If it doesn't, I don't know.

What does this mean? I don't know.

How am I feeling? I don't know.

So many things flood my mind, hence the blog post tonight.

Adoption? I don't know.

I am praying, no, I am listening and watching as God opens and closes doors as he so often does in our lives. I pray that I am available to God's guidance, that I will hear and trust the direction he leads us. I don't know how many miscarriages I can go through. If I knew that #4 above was not a possibility, I think I could go through more miscarriages with the hope of another baby.

I'm out of words.

needed: $18,000

So, I've decided something pretty big. I have not decided this lightly and I have not decided this without going to THE decision maker who knows every decision before it is even in the "to be considered" box. Ok. Here goes nothing. I'm pursuing bariatric surgery. That's hard to say because 1) My insurance will not cover the procedure and 2) out of pocket cost is $18,000...hence the title of this blog. Pretty clever title, huh?

So many questions that need answers and answers that need questions before surgery is scheduled. SUCH a long to-do list. And, lucky you, you get to enter the dangerous arena of my brain as I vomit all of these onto this blog. You are welcome.

Random-ish thoughts: Part One

1. Must figure out how to make more money. Something I've been considering for a while is some private practice work on the side. One night of 4-5 clients per week would bring in more than enough money for the surgery...and I'd be able to pay it off in a year if I was very focused. This, I think, is a good plan. God has opened a lot of doors to make this a possibility. My clinical supervisor has been gently nudging (aka harassing) me to do this (referring clients to me ALL THE TIME). I have a few things to do before I can do private practice work but I believe I have a space to work from so it's a matter of getting liability insurance and a few office type supplies (credit card reader, etc) and calling people. What am I waiting for?!?!

2. I still want to appeal my insurance company's denial of coverage. It's a LOOOOONG shot but I have a letter of recommendation from my primary care doc so it's worth the shot!

3. I have done a BUTT LOAD (pun intended) of research. There are three bariatric surgeries done at the KC Bariatric Center. 1) Lap-band...not interested but willing to listen if doc feels it's the best option. I don't believe it is, too much follow up that is needed for adjustments and those will all be out of pocket on top of the out of pocket. Kinda like jeans from the '80s...just a little much. 2) Gastric Bypass...very interested, very expensive ($18,000). "Simply" reduces the size of your stomach. Big side effects: dumping syndrome which occurs when the undigested contents of your stomach are "dumped" into your small intestine too rapidly, causing nausea and vomiting and diarrhea, OH MY! Still with me? Lastly, 3) Gastric Sleeve....this one I didn't know much about until I started researching. KC Bariatric center has a special ($12,000)...not sure if that should make me uncomfortable or not...anyways, Gastric Sleeve is like gastric bypass except they actually remove the extra part of your stomach (unlike gastric bypass where that part stays in your body, which actually grosses me out to think of a loose stomach just hanging around. What if...nevermind. *shutter* ANYWHOOOOOO...where was I? Oh, yes. Removing part of my stomach. Yes. This surgery drastically reduces the amount of food you’re able to ingest so you feel fuller with much less food, making the restricted caloric intake easier. ALSO, since that part of the stomach is removed, dumping syndrome (from what I read) is less likely. ALSO, and this is big...The part of the stomach removed is largely responsible for producing a hormone called Ghrelin, which is responsible for feelings of hunger. With much of the stomach removed and the hormones responsible for feeling hunger reduced, I will feel full much longer after eating and become hungry less frequently. This is good. Ok. So much info and I'm STILL excited. Anyone else excited with me?

So, why I have decided to do this? This is the part where you should stop reading unless you're ok with some brutal honesty and vulnerability. I'm kind of anxious about writing this. Here goes nothin':

1. I have carried around with me a physical from when I was 12 years old that says lists my weight as 206.5 pounds. Two hundred and six and a half pounds at twelve years old. I feel like I could stop there and people would understand. Can you imagine what it's like for a 12 year old to weigh 206 pounds? The bullying and depression that came with that was unbearable at times and came with dark thoughts that no 12 year old should ever posses. No wonder I am drawn to work with teens with depression, anxiety, etc. I get it, I mean, I REALLY get it.

*I have such a strong voice inside of me telling me to stop and not go on but I've started and think it is important for my friends to know why this is so important and crucial for me. It is potentially a life-saving procedure as the risks that come with obesity are life-threatening. I feel I have dodged the bullet long enough*

2. I carry an excess of 150 pounds of extra weight on my body. That is another person. I believe I have been given mercy by God that I've avoided many health problems that come with obesity (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, chronic pain, etc).

3. There are many critics of bariatric surgery. I do not view it as the answer but rather a tool that will help me get healthy. There is nothing easy about meat smoothies (pureed meats are on the menu for a few weeks...I like to call them meat smoothies), changing everything about how you view food. I think there is a popular belief that obese people are binge eaters, people who sit around eating whole containers of cookies and ice cream for a snack. This is not me. I do not have binge eating disorder. I love food, I love good food, I love to cook and to bake and to celebrate with food. This is going to be the hard part...I will have to find new ways to celebrate with people I love other than baking for them and organizing everything around what we will eat. This is not the easy way out. I have a voice in my head that says, "Why don't you just try one pound at a time?" Guess what? I've been trying to lose one pound at a time for 25 years. I'm ready for some help and believe, through prayer, and research, and personal discussions with friends and family who have undergone this surgery, that this will help me achieve my dream.

4. What it's like to be obese that skinny people don't always know: 1) You can't ride roller coasters. Until right now, Jason is the only person in my life who knows how desperately I love the thrill of a roller coaster. Out of embarrassment I tell people I'm afraid of them. The truth is, I cannot fit in the seats. That's the truth. How I long for the day for a trip to World's of Fun or any amusement park without limitations...there will be a day!! 2) I worry every time I go to a restaurant that I there will be arm chairs and can't even explain the anxiety that causes. 3) Airplane seats. Enough said.

5. I want to be alive for a long time. A LONG time.

6. I want to have nice clothes that look nice on me.

7. I want to run. I have always wanted to be a runner. I've dreamed about going on a run with my friend Mendy and kicking her bootie. Just thinking about running releases some endorphins for me. It is SO exciting to me just the thought of running! If nothing else, I want to be able to walk as fast as Tiffany Classen. :)

Ok. There it is. Please, if you have read this, please pray for this journey. This is not just a random thought. It is one I have labored over and am ready for. I am NOT financially ready for this but feel that I can be with some hard work and feel if this is God's plan that doors will continue to open as they have been. My goal right now is to finish the prep work (getting private practice work started, start saving that money, follow through with appeal process just in case, apply for financial assistance for the surgery, put together dream outfits on Gap Website, etc) by the end of the year. My gut says January will be a perfect time for surgery. What better way to start the new year than with a new body?!

I'm going to continue blog about this journey. I have not felt more confident in this decision than I do right now. At the end of this blog. I am content and ready and will need more support than any of you know. I have told several people (family and friends) about this and have a lot of local support. My work supports me, my family, my friends, the lady at the Walgreens check out lane whom I randomly started a conversation with and can't remember why except that I was SO excited and had been doing a lot of praying that day. She was excited for me. It's kind of contagious when people are so excited, as I am.

*deep breath*

Love you all.

TWO!

I can't believe it but my little bundle just turned two. TWO! We had a birthday party for him yesterday and it was overall a big success, other than him not napping and nearly falling asleep on his amazing birthday cake (insert ad for http://www.portercakes.com/). I posted a picture below of the awesome that was Will's cake. I say "was" because, well, I think you get the jest :) We had water fun, cake, black cows (root beer floats with chocolate syrup and whipped cream), lots of balloons, too many gifts, lots of family time, and only a mini breakdown by yours truly...it was fantastic. Some pics:

potty-training

So, I'm pretty sure Will is potty-trained. This is crazy talk to me, as he is only 21-months old. I, being a first-timer (on the training side, not the pottying side) had very little clue about how to proceed. First of all, there are the boy parts. Do I train him to stand up and pee or sit down and pee? Food rewards vs. non-food rewards? Fancy potty chair vs. hole-in-the-ground? Naked training (him, not me) vs. pull-ups. After much research by both myself and Jason, we decided to go nearly cold turkey. Diapers only at nights.

Oye-vay. Not sure I was ready, but we were pretty positive Will was ready. How we knew:

1. He started to consistently use the potty sign we had taught him. Hand in a fist and twist wrist back and forth. He was using this as he pee'd in his diaper and our daycare lady used it everytime she brought him to the potty chair.

2. He was dry after all naps and after 12 hours of sleeping at night.

3. He didn't like being in a wet diaper (but this has been the case for most of his life).

Ok. He was ready, but were we? We decided to give it a go. To be honest, I really was not convinced it would work but was willing since our daycare lady was convinced he was ready.

Here was the plan of attack:

One Month Prior to Memorial Day Weekend:

Diapers 100% of the time. Brought Will to potty chair many times a day. Our daycare lady was awe-some. She brought him to the chair every hour on the hour. We did as well as we could on the weekend but were not nearly as consistent as she was. Daycare lady said, "When you're ready to be trained, Will is ready". Oh, this is about me. I get it. And I found out it really was a lot about training me to be consistent and patient, two things I am not great at.

Memorial Three-Day Weekend:

We planned nothing but potty-training. Stocked up on cute little boy undies (briefs and boxer-briefs, the boy should have options), no pull-ups were ever purchased. Potty chair in the living room, carpet cleaner on hand. Then we stood watch. Whenever he pee'd, we swooped him up and brought him to the potty chair, being pee'd all over along the way. After day 1 I'd say he was starting to connect the potty chair with whatever was happening "down under". Every time he pottied on the chair, he got M&M's. I did find out later (like this weekend) that Jason has been giving him about 15 M&M's whenever he went on the potty. I've been giving him, like, 3. Poor boy ;)

Day 2: same story.

Day 3: same story except by this time he was starting to walk to the potty and sit down and go. Sometimes he made it, sometimes he didn't.

From that point on, he was in undies except during bed. For the past few weeks, Will has been consistently dry after waking up in the morning and has had 1-2 accidents during the day. Two night ago, I decided to go all-the-way, baby! No diapers at night. He's been dry both mornings and has pee'd like a race horse (on the potty) right when he wakes up! He has had one accident in the past three days and continues to use his potty sign to tell us he has to go. I was anxious the first few times he used it while we were driving but he's been able to hold it.

THIS IS CRAZY! He is only 21-months old. What can I say? My boy's a genius.

Just so proud. And, honestly, I'm proud of myself and Jason, too! I can't tell you how mentally exhausting Memorial Day weekend was. I was SO ready for work on Tuesday, let me tell ya! But, I see the horizon. Not sure when I can "officially" say he's potty-trained. All I know is we're so proud....and ready for baby #2! Better get busy!