and baby makes three...
9.28.2011
today
So, after my mostly informative and detached blog yesterday, I am an emotional mess today. I'm so sad about this news and was in "fix-it" gear yesterday. Today, not so much. I'm just sad. I don't know what else to say. It's heart breaking. I want more babies. So badly. This is hard.
9.27.2011
hmm
Well, I'm not sure what to title this blog. Found out today that I have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome. TS is a chromosomal condition that describes girls and women with common features that are caused by complete or partial absence of the second sex chromosome. If you are familiar with Turner's Syndrome (TS), you will likely know that I do not have any of the physical features of this condition. I just learned about this all today so I couldn't tell you much other than people with TS generally are short in stature, may have some problems with intellectual functioning, and often have premature ovarian cancer. MOSAIC Turner's Syndrome is different. All I understand right now is this:
1. This has caused my miscarriages.
2. It is likely that I will have difficulty carrying a baby to term.
3. If I was able to get pregnant and make it to the second trimester I have a much better chance of having a full term baby.
4. If I got pregnant with a girl, her chances of Turner's Syndrome (not Mosaic, but full TS) are great.
5. Will is a miracle.
That's how I understand it now. I know that I'm pretty overwhelmed with the news and maybe don't understand all the details. The Fertility Specialist suggested I see a geneticist to see if this condition lies only within my blood. If it does, then fertility treatment could be helpful. If it doesn't, I don't know.
What does this mean? I don't know.
How am I feeling? I don't know.
So many things flood my mind, hence the blog post tonight.
Adoption? I don't know.
I am praying, no, I am listening and watching as God opens and closes doors as he so often does in our lives. I pray that I am available to God's guidance, that I will hear and trust the direction he leads us. I don't know how many miscarriages I can go through. If I knew that #4 above was not a possibility, I think I could go through more miscarriages with the hope of another baby.
I'm out of words.
1. This has caused my miscarriages.
2. It is likely that I will have difficulty carrying a baby to term.
3. If I was able to get pregnant and make it to the second trimester I have a much better chance of having a full term baby.
4. If I got pregnant with a girl, her chances of Turner's Syndrome (not Mosaic, but full TS) are great.
5. Will is a miracle.
That's how I understand it now. I know that I'm pretty overwhelmed with the news and maybe don't understand all the details. The Fertility Specialist suggested I see a geneticist to see if this condition lies only within my blood. If it does, then fertility treatment could be helpful. If it doesn't, I don't know.
What does this mean? I don't know.
How am I feeling? I don't know.
So many things flood my mind, hence the blog post tonight.
Adoption? I don't know.
I am praying, no, I am listening and watching as God opens and closes doors as he so often does in our lives. I pray that I am available to God's guidance, that I will hear and trust the direction he leads us. I don't know how many miscarriages I can go through. If I knew that #4 above was not a possibility, I think I could go through more miscarriages with the hope of another baby.
I'm out of words.
9.16.2011
needed: $18,000
So, I've decided something pretty big. I have not decided this lightly and I have not decided this without going to THE decision maker who knows every decision before it is even in the "to be considered" box. Ok. Here goes nothing. I'm pursuing bariatric surgery. That's hard to say because 1) My insurance will not cover the procedure and 2) out of pocket cost is $18,000...hence the title of this blog. Pretty clever title, huh?
So many questions that need answers and answers that need questions before surgery is scheduled. SUCH a long to-do list. And, lucky you, you get to enter the dangerous arena of my brain as I vomit all of these onto this blog. You are welcome.
Random-ish thoughts: Part One
1. Must figure out how to make more money. Something I've been considering for a while is some private practice work on the side. One night of 4-5 clients per week would bring in more than enough money for the surgery...and I'd be able to pay it off in a year if I was very focused. This, I think, is a good plan. God has opened a lot of doors to make this a possibility. My clinical supervisor has been gently nudging (aka harassing) me to do this (referring clients to me ALL THE TIME). I have a few things to do before I can do private practice work but I believe I have a space to work from so it's a matter of getting liability insurance and a few office type supplies (credit card reader, etc) and calling people. What am I waiting for?!?!
2. I still want to appeal my insurance company's denial of coverage. It's a LOOOOONG shot but I have a letter of recommendation from my primary care doc so it's worth the shot!
3. I have done a BUTT LOAD (pun intended) of research. There are three bariatric surgeries done at the KC Bariatric Center. 1) Lap-band...not interested but willing to listen if doc feels it's the best option. I don't believe it is, too much follow up that is needed for adjustments and those will all be out of pocket on top of the out of pocket. Kinda like jeans from the '80s...just a little much. 2) Gastric Bypass...very interested, very expensive ($18,000). "Simply" reduces the size of your stomach. Big side effects: dumping syndrome which occurs when the undigested contents of your stomach are "dumped" into your small intestine too rapidly, causing nausea and vomiting and diarrhea, OH MY! Still with me? Lastly, 3) Gastric Sleeve....this one I didn't know much about until I started researching. KC Bariatric center has a special ($12,000)...not sure if that should make me uncomfortable or not...anyways, Gastric Sleeve is like gastric bypass except they actually remove the extra part of your stomach (unlike gastric bypass where that part stays in your body, which actually grosses me out to think of a loose stomach just hanging around. What if...nevermind. *shutter* ANYWHOOOOOO...where was I? Oh, yes. Removing part of my stomach. Yes. This surgery drastically reduces the amount of food you’re able to ingest so you feel fuller with much less food, making the restricted caloric intake easier. ALSO, since that part of the stomach is removed, dumping syndrome (from what I read) is less likely. ALSO, and this is big...The part of the stomach removed is largely responsible for producing a hormone called Ghrelin, which is responsible for feelings of hunger. With much of the stomach removed and the hormones responsible for feeling hunger reduced, I will feel full much longer after eating and become hungry less frequently. This is good. Ok. So much info and I'm STILL excited. Anyone else excited with me?
So, why I have decided to do this? This is the part where you should stop reading unless you're ok with some brutal honesty and vulnerability. I'm kind of anxious about writing this. Here goes nothin':
1. I have carried around with me a physical from when I was 12 years old that says lists my weight as 206.5 pounds. Two hundred and six and a half pounds at twelve years old. I feel like I could stop there and people would understand. Can you imagine what it's like for a 12 year old to weigh 206 pounds? The bullying and depression that came with that was unbearable at times and came with dark thoughts that no 12 year old should ever posses. No wonder I am drawn to work with teens with depression, anxiety, etc. I get it, I mean, I REALLY get it.
*I have such a strong voice inside of me telling me to stop and not go on but I've started and think it is important for my friends to know why this is so important and crucial for me. It is potentially a life-saving procedure as the risks that come with obesity are life-threatening. I feel I have dodged the bullet long enough*
2. I carry an excess of 150 pounds of extra weight on my body. That is another person. I believe I have been given mercy by God that I've avoided many health problems that come with obesity (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, chronic pain, etc).
3. There are many critics of bariatric surgery. I do not view it as the answer but rather a tool that will help me get healthy. There is nothing easy about meat smoothies (pureed meats are on the menu for a few weeks...I like to call them meat smoothies), changing everything about how you view food. I think there is a popular belief that obese people are binge eaters, people who sit around eating whole containers of cookies and ice cream for a snack. This is not me. I do not have binge eating disorder. I love food, I love good food, I love to cook and to bake and to celebrate with food. This is going to be the hard part...I will have to find new ways to celebrate with people I love other than baking for them and organizing everything around what we will eat. This is not the easy way out. I have a voice in my head that says, "Why don't you just try one pound at a time?" Guess what? I've been trying to lose one pound at a time for 25 years. I'm ready for some help and believe, through prayer, and research, and personal discussions with friends and family who have undergone this surgery, that this will help me achieve my dream.
4. What it's like to be obese that skinny people don't always know: 1) You can't ride roller coasters. Until right now, Jason is the only person in my life who knows how desperately I love the thrill of a roller coaster. Out of embarrassment I tell people I'm afraid of them. The truth is, I cannot fit in the seats. That's the truth. How I long for the day for a trip to World's of Fun or any amusement park without limitations...there will be a day!! 2) I worry every time I go to a restaurant that I there will be arm chairs and can't even explain the anxiety that causes. 3) Airplane seats. Enough said.
5. I want to be alive for a long time. A LONG time.
6. I want to have nice clothes that look nice on me.
7. I want to run. I have always wanted to be a runner. I've dreamed about going on a run with my friend Mendy and kicking her bootie. Just thinking about running releases some endorphins for me. It is SO exciting to me just the thought of running! If nothing else, I want to be able to walk as fast as Tiffany Classen. :)
Ok. There it is. Please, if you have read this, please pray for this journey. This is not just a random thought. It is one I have labored over and am ready for. I am NOT financially ready for this but feel that I can be with some hard work and feel if this is God's plan that doors will continue to open as they have been. My goal right now is to finish the prep work (getting private practice work started, start saving that money, follow through with appeal process just in case, apply for financial assistance for the surgery, put together dream outfits on Gap Website, etc) by the end of the year. My gut says January will be a perfect time for surgery. What better way to start the new year than with a new body?!
I'm going to continue blog about this journey. I have not felt more confident in this decision than I do right now. At the end of this blog. I am content and ready and will need more support than any of you know. I have told several people (family and friends) about this and have a lot of local support. My work supports me, my family, my friends, the lady at the Walgreens check out lane whom I randomly started a conversation with and can't remember why except that I was SO excited and had been doing a lot of praying that day. She was excited for me. It's kind of contagious when people are so excited, as I am.
*deep breath*
Love you all.
So many questions that need answers and answers that need questions before surgery is scheduled. SUCH a long to-do list. And, lucky you, you get to enter the dangerous arena of my brain as I vomit all of these onto this blog. You are welcome.
Random-ish thoughts: Part One
1. Must figure out how to make more money. Something I've been considering for a while is some private practice work on the side. One night of 4-5 clients per week would bring in more than enough money for the surgery...and I'd be able to pay it off in a year if I was very focused. This, I think, is a good plan. God has opened a lot of doors to make this a possibility. My clinical supervisor has been gently nudging (aka harassing) me to do this (referring clients to me ALL THE TIME). I have a few things to do before I can do private practice work but I believe I have a space to work from so it's a matter of getting liability insurance and a few office type supplies (credit card reader, etc) and calling people. What am I waiting for?!?!
2. I still want to appeal my insurance company's denial of coverage. It's a LOOOOONG shot but I have a letter of recommendation from my primary care doc so it's worth the shot!
3. I have done a BUTT LOAD (pun intended) of research. There are three bariatric surgeries done at the KC Bariatric Center. 1) Lap-band...not interested but willing to listen if doc feels it's the best option. I don't believe it is, too much follow up that is needed for adjustments and those will all be out of pocket on top of the out of pocket. Kinda like jeans from the '80s...just a little much. 2) Gastric Bypass...very interested, very expensive ($18,000). "Simply" reduces the size of your stomach. Big side effects: dumping syndrome which occurs when the undigested contents of your stomach are "dumped" into your small intestine too rapidly, causing nausea and vomiting and diarrhea, OH MY! Still with me? Lastly, 3) Gastric Sleeve....this one I didn't know much about until I started researching. KC Bariatric center has a special ($12,000)...not sure if that should make me uncomfortable or not...anyways, Gastric Sleeve is like gastric bypass except they actually remove the extra part of your stomach (unlike gastric bypass where that part stays in your body, which actually grosses me out to think of a loose stomach just hanging around. What if...nevermind. *shutter* ANYWHOOOOOO...where was I? Oh, yes. Removing part of my stomach. Yes. This surgery drastically reduces the amount of food you’re able to ingest so you feel fuller with much less food, making the restricted caloric intake easier. ALSO, since that part of the stomach is removed, dumping syndrome (from what I read) is less likely. ALSO, and this is big...The part of the stomach removed is largely responsible for producing a hormone called Ghrelin, which is responsible for feelings of hunger. With much of the stomach removed and the hormones responsible for feeling hunger reduced, I will feel full much longer after eating and become hungry less frequently. This is good. Ok. So much info and I'm STILL excited. Anyone else excited with me?
So, why I have decided to do this? This is the part where you should stop reading unless you're ok with some brutal honesty and vulnerability. I'm kind of anxious about writing this. Here goes nothin':
1. I have carried around with me a physical from when I was 12 years old that says lists my weight as 206.5 pounds. Two hundred and six and a half pounds at twelve years old. I feel like I could stop there and people would understand. Can you imagine what it's like for a 12 year old to weigh 206 pounds? The bullying and depression that came with that was unbearable at times and came with dark thoughts that no 12 year old should ever posses. No wonder I am drawn to work with teens with depression, anxiety, etc. I get it, I mean, I REALLY get it.
*I have such a strong voice inside of me telling me to stop and not go on but I've started and think it is important for my friends to know why this is so important and crucial for me. It is potentially a life-saving procedure as the risks that come with obesity are life-threatening. I feel I have dodged the bullet long enough*
2. I carry an excess of 150 pounds of extra weight on my body. That is another person. I believe I have been given mercy by God that I've avoided many health problems that come with obesity (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, chronic pain, etc).
3. There are many critics of bariatric surgery. I do not view it as the answer but rather a tool that will help me get healthy. There is nothing easy about meat smoothies (pureed meats are on the menu for a few weeks...I like to call them meat smoothies), changing everything about how you view food. I think there is a popular belief that obese people are binge eaters, people who sit around eating whole containers of cookies and ice cream for a snack. This is not me. I do not have binge eating disorder. I love food, I love good food, I love to cook and to bake and to celebrate with food. This is going to be the hard part...I will have to find new ways to celebrate with people I love other than baking for them and organizing everything around what we will eat. This is not the easy way out. I have a voice in my head that says, "Why don't you just try one pound at a time?" Guess what? I've been trying to lose one pound at a time for 25 years. I'm ready for some help and believe, through prayer, and research, and personal discussions with friends and family who have undergone this surgery, that this will help me achieve my dream.
4. What it's like to be obese that skinny people don't always know: 1) You can't ride roller coasters. Until right now, Jason is the only person in my life who knows how desperately I love the thrill of a roller coaster. Out of embarrassment I tell people I'm afraid of them. The truth is, I cannot fit in the seats. That's the truth. How I long for the day for a trip to World's of Fun or any amusement park without limitations...there will be a day!! 2) I worry every time I go to a restaurant that I there will be arm chairs and can't even explain the anxiety that causes. 3) Airplane seats. Enough said.
5. I want to be alive for a long time. A LONG time.
6. I want to have nice clothes that look nice on me.
7. I want to run. I have always wanted to be a runner. I've dreamed about going on a run with my friend Mendy and kicking her bootie. Just thinking about running releases some endorphins for me. It is SO exciting to me just the thought of running! If nothing else, I want to be able to walk as fast as Tiffany Classen. :)
Ok. There it is. Please, if you have read this, please pray for this journey. This is not just a random thought. It is one I have labored over and am ready for. I am NOT financially ready for this but feel that I can be with some hard work and feel if this is God's plan that doors will continue to open as they have been. My goal right now is to finish the prep work (getting private practice work started, start saving that money, follow through with appeal process just in case, apply for financial assistance for the surgery, put together dream outfits on Gap Website, etc) by the end of the year. My gut says January will be a perfect time for surgery. What better way to start the new year than with a new body?!
I'm going to continue blog about this journey. I have not felt more confident in this decision than I do right now. At the end of this blog. I am content and ready and will need more support than any of you know. I have told several people (family and friends) about this and have a lot of local support. My work supports me, my family, my friends, the lady at the Walgreens check out lane whom I randomly started a conversation with and can't remember why except that I was SO excited and had been doing a lot of praying that day. She was excited for me. It's kind of contagious when people are so excited, as I am.
*deep breath*
Love you all.
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