best.birthday.ever

This birthday is different. It is not focused on where I will eat my birthday dinner, which birthday dessert I will choose, what presents I will get. I confess, I have been very selfish when it comes to my birthdays. Entitled, even.

This year is different. Family is coming over. Friends are visiting. There will be no cake. There will be minimal food (for me, anyways). There will (apparently) be a ton of pain. But most importantly, there is such hope. Hope of finally shedding pounds in the coming year. Hope of releasing a burden that has plagued me for 33 years. THIS IS THE BIGGEST AND BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT I'VE EVER GIVEN MYSELF!! I can't even fathom what is to come. Can't.even.fathom.

I'm in quite a bit of pain this morning. Enough that we're not going to church. Our church family has become very important to us, to our marriage. We have some church-hurts that have happened throughout our marriage that kept us away for a while. It's comforting to have found an awesome church home here in Independence.

Despite the pain, I am happy. I believe I have been happy for a long time but this kind of happiness is new to me. It is one that has been slow-roasted, marinated, and dripping in awesome-sauce. That kind of hope. It's fascinating.

The scale. The scale helps on days like today that feel particularly impossible in regards to pain. I'm down 23 pounds. I had gained some of my weight back after surgery since they pump you so full of fluids. So, since this journey started two weeks ago, I have lost 23 pounds. Is that insane? I've almost lost Will's entire body weight!

I have been so blessed. I think having less focus on the "whats, whens, wheres" of my birthday, has opened me up to the who's and the why's. Who's: I am blessed beyond belief by friends and family. Endless messages checking how I'm doing, food being delivered for Jason by my work family on a daily basis, visitors who don't expect me to be a good hostess or to have a clean house when they drop by. Why's: I don't doubt the love God has for me. Jeremiah 29:11 tells me God has big plans for me, plans for hope and a purpose. This has been my favorite verse for 15 years. Today, I get it. I believe it. I understand it.

Thank you, friends, for your support. Your text messages, emails, Facebook posts, cards, emails...mean the world to me. I love you all so much (all five of you who read this :)

Much love,

home sweet home

Well, surgery is over. Man, I was NOT expecting this pain AT ALL! I know everyone's different in how they respond. Apparently, I respond in lots of pain. BUT, it's getting better everyday. Highlights/Lowlights:

1. Apparently, when my mother-in-law went to get something to eat Wednesday night, I asked her to bring me back two pairs of chopsticks. Strange. I'm on a liquid diet for now...absolutely NO need for chopsticks. Must have been the meds. Funny, huh?

2. I can now stand and sit without help. Woop Woop!!

3. Since Tuesday evening, I have eaten about 4 tablespoons of liquids (broth, sugar free jello). Isn't it crazy?!

4. Jason and his mom are currently eating pizza. I realized today that I have had absolutely zero cravings. Mind-blowing!

5. Before, during, and after my surgery, I continued to get texts from my co-workers letting me know I was being prayed for. They also sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

Feeling very loved.

That's it. Just wanted to update you a bit.

One Week

In one week my life will change pretty dramatically and I can.not.wait!!!

This past week has been a challenge but not at all the kind I thought it would be. I've done it. It's been worth it. I've been supported. Friends who have been texting me, please know that means SO much to me. Please don't stop. I'll need continued support even following the surgery.

Today, I met with the surgeon and he was elated that I had already lost 11 pounds in one week! I asked him, "Is there *any* other food I can eat, even pudding, maybe yogurt, a biscuit, ANYTHING?!?!" I was expecting a firm "no" or maybe an "absolutely, if you don't want to have the surgery". I wasn't hopeful and then he said it. The word I didn't expect to hear. I can still hear it in slow motion. "sssssuuuuurrrreeeee". I'msorrywhat? Excuse me? Como se what? Did you say "sure". Seriously!?! Apparently, he was so happy with my 11 pounds that he feels I can add have a few actual meals (high protein, low fat) between now and next Wednesday. Oh.my.word. Who knew a stinkin' chicken breast would mean so much? Ahhh. So, after church tonight I picked up a few Kentucky Grilled Chicken wings. I bought three, didn't want to overdo it. I ate one and had had enough. That was all I needed. I can't believe this will soon be the story of my life.

Michelle Worley: Livin' life one chicken wing at a time :)

Things I could use prayer for:

1. Anxiety about getting everything caught up at work so that I can leave for the week following my surgery without the pressure of paperwork left behind. Saturday I'm spending the ENTIRE day at Panera doing paperwork. 12 hours. Intense.

2. I'm helping plan a Spiritual Retreat for students and staff at Shelterwood Monday and Tuesday. My surgery is Wednesday so the timing is perfect. I have a LOT to do to be ready for the retreat. On top of the paperwork, it's causing some stress but I'm really excited for the retreat.

That's it. I'm ready to go. Oh my oh my. So excited!!

beginning of cranky

Today begins the countdown to my surgery...TWO WEEKS AWAY!! While that is grand and great and lovely and exciting it also means today starts my two-week liver reduction diet. I think I posted about that last time. Essentially, this is a liquid diet consisting of ONLY water, decaffinated tea, crystal light, bariatric protein shakes, sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, and chicken broth. No thanksgiving dinner for me this year but LOTS of thanksgiving. I've already faced Lamar's Donuts this morning and didn't cave. The truth is, caving would make the surgery date impossible. The goal is to reduce the size of my liver, making the surgery technically easier for the surgeon. And I certainly want the surgery to be easy for the surgeon. Amen? Amen!

This morning was my mother-in-law's retirement party. They served Lamar's Donuts, as mentioned above. Then I went to Hyvee to order her a retirement cake for her 2nd retirement party tonight. There are going to be ENDLESS amounts of deliciousness over the course of the next two weeks. Is it worth it to miss out on all the fun holiday foods. AB-SO-LUT-ELY. 100% WITHOUT A DOUBT WORTH IT. I can't even fathom the changes that are about to take place in my life. What a blessing and what a FANTASTIC birthday present to myself.

December 7th can't come soon enough!

december 7

I thought about titling this blog "the day which will change my life" but that day occurred in the summer of 1996 when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. On December 7, 2011, just four days before my 34th birthday, I will undergo a surgery which will dramatically change my life: how I literally live my day to day life, how I will be able to relate to others, how I will be able to play with my son and how I will be able to be...well, just be. This surgery will change my very being. Yesterday, I scheduled my gastric sleeve surgery. December 7.

On November 23, I start a liquid diet (purpose to reduce the size of my liver and make the surgery technically easier for the surgeon. In case you didn't immediately realize, this is the day before Thanksgiving. I do not find it random that God would have the surgery scheduled so that November 23 would be the first day of this liquid diet. I have no ill-conceived notions that this will be easy. Liquid diet while I'm preparing a fantastic dinner for family and friends, increased financial worry, surgery days before my birthday which would usually be spent going out to eat with family and friends will now be spent drinking liquid birthday cake. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it, too :)

I think of the word sacrifice and that does not define what I'm about to welcome into my life. The struggle will not be these next few months of my life nor the lifetime after where food can no longer be an important part of my social life. The struggle has happened for the past 33 years. The bullying, the physical handicap that obesity has caused. This has been a struggle. Yes, I am prepared to eat my words after the surgery, pun intended. I know that grief will come and, although I am currently so excited about this surgery, I know I will have days that I may even regret it. The psychologist, doctor, friends/family, and nutritionist have warned me about the grief. I know this is a reality. I MUST keep in mind the big picture.

Lord, I pray that this surgery will not only impact my life but those around me. I pray that I will be more available and that the physical restrictions on my life right now will vanish. VANISH!! Lord, use me in any way you see fit. Thank you for providing this possibility for me. Lord, when life gets tough and when I grieve the loss of this relationship with food, please bring tangible things/people into my life that will remind me of the big picture. Thank you for open doors. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Stream of Consciousness

I just read Pioneer Woman's blog and was inspired to write a Laura-ish/Pioneer Woman-wish blog with random thoughts/stream of consciousness. Clear as mud?

1. I am sitting in Panera Bread with their free Wi-Fi. Supposed to be working but found my way to my blog. I guess this is called a lunch break? Whatever that is.

2. I am close to the date for scheduling my surgery. I am overwhelmed (in a good way) daily with thoughts of what my life will be like post-surgery. Sometimes this brings me to tears, even right now I'm overcome with excitement. I've decided to send my surgeon a "thank-you-in-advance" card. I'm going to pick one up today.

3. Panera has yummy soup. I LOVE soup. I remember the surprise party Jason threw for me for my 30th birthday. He planned everything to the "T". It was a soup and dessert party. There were several kinds of soup. He smelled like soup when he picked me up from school the day of my party. I remember the smile on his face. It was sweet. I LOVE soup....and Jason :)

4. We are getting ready to go on a long-weekend getaway to celebrate our 11-year anniversary, which is Friday. I can't wait! Heading to St. Louis for a few days of museums and fancy food. Then going to wine country in Missouri for some Octoberfest celebration and staying at a B&B. My brother-in-law graciously got us a VERY discounted room at the Hilton in St. Louis. Tre Fancy!! YAY!! Will is spending the weekend with my family. We are mailing him a gift while we're away: a 2-foot Ugly Doll. He's going to LOVE it.

5. I LOVE my job. Can I say LOVE enough? I mean it. Yesterday, as I was leaving, one of my teen clients, who has experienced trauma that would keep you awake at night cursing mankind said (actually yelled across a room of people) to me, "Thank you for loving me, Michelle". She is a miracle. She has gone from not trusting people AT ALL to being able to acknowledge that someone loves her in front of her peers. I am so very blessed. I believe, I know, this is my mission field. I can't help but be in love with this work. God is amazing in his plans. Even through trauma, God is present.

That's all. I suddenly am without words. Plus, Panera only allows 30 minutes of free Wi-Fi during peak lunch hours.

Michelle out.

decisions, decisions

Had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon yesterday. Lots of decisions made although there are more to be made. What we know "for sure":

1. I am going to plan to have the surgery done this year, maybe even next month!

2. Have to secure medical loan for $12,000. Doesn't that just sound fun? Donations accepted :)

3. EGD scheduled for this Thursday. Basically, they are going to stick a scope down my throat to check out my stomach and make sure all is ok. Doesn't that sound loverly? Um, no. Especially when they have to ask you questions like "do you have a living will" and makes statements like "make sure you have someone who will be with you for 12 full hours after the procedure". Thanks, that makes me feel comfortable. I'm more nervous about this procedure than I am the actual surgery!! Prayers welcomed.

4. November 4th...scheduled for psychological evaluation and appointment with nutritionist. I'm actually looking forward to this day.

5. Tomorrow I'm going to call and schedule the surgery date. I will be in the hospital less than 24 hours start to finish. One week of recovery. Then I'm "done"! There are little complications with Gastric Sleeve (which is the procedure I've decided on after meeting with the surgeon and talking a LOT with Jason). Doc said he has performed this surgery on close friends who he goes to dinner with and said you can hardly tell except that he eats 1/3rd of what Doc eats.

6. Prepare for brutal honesty....Doc said I can expect to lose 80% of my excess body weight. Keep in mind that is based on the 120 pounds that a 5'7" person "should" weight. He said I'd probably lose around 175 pounds. That is 1.75 New Kids on the Block.

7. First thing I will do the second it is possible: plan my trip to World's of Fun. Who's with me?!?!?!?!?!

8. Next step: start day-dreaming about the clothes I will get to wear. At my current weight, my style is largely determined for me. Not anymore, baby!! I have no idea what my style might be. Do you know I'm going to probably weight less than I did in the 6th grade! Since I probably won't dress like I did in the 6th grade, I'm going to have to start researching styles I like. How exciting! Gonna need help!!

Anxious is a good word for how I'm feeling.