today

So, after my mostly informative and detached blog yesterday, I am an emotional mess today. I'm so sad about this news and was in "fix-it" gear yesterday. Today, not so much. I'm just sad. I don't know what else to say. It's heart breaking. I want more babies. So badly. This is hard.

hmm

Well, I'm not sure what to title this blog. Found out today that I have Mosaic Turner's Syndrome. TS is a chromosomal condition that describes girls and women with common features that are caused by complete or partial absence of the second sex chromosome. If you are familiar with Turner's Syndrome (TS), you will likely know that I do not have any of the physical features of this condition. I just learned about this all today so I couldn't tell you much other than people with TS generally are short in stature, may have some problems with intellectual functioning, and often have premature ovarian cancer. MOSAIC Turner's Syndrome is different. All I understand right now is this:

1. This has caused my miscarriages.
2. It is likely that I will have difficulty carrying a baby to term.
3. If I was able to get pregnant and make it to the second trimester I have a much better chance of having a full term baby.
4. If I got pregnant with a girl, her chances of Turner's Syndrome (not Mosaic, but full TS) are great.
5. Will is a miracle.

That's how I understand it now. I know that I'm pretty overwhelmed with the news and maybe don't understand all the details. The Fertility Specialist suggested I see a geneticist to see if this condition lies only within my blood. If it does, then fertility treatment could be helpful. If it doesn't, I don't know.

What does this mean? I don't know.

How am I feeling? I don't know.

So many things flood my mind, hence the blog post tonight.

Adoption? I don't know.

I am praying, no, I am listening and watching as God opens and closes doors as he so often does in our lives. I pray that I am available to God's guidance, that I will hear and trust the direction he leads us. I don't know how many miscarriages I can go through. If I knew that #4 above was not a possibility, I think I could go through more miscarriages with the hope of another baby.

I'm out of words.

needed: $18,000

So, I've decided something pretty big. I have not decided this lightly and I have not decided this without going to THE decision maker who knows every decision before it is even in the "to be considered" box. Ok. Here goes nothing. I'm pursuing bariatric surgery. That's hard to say because 1) My insurance will not cover the procedure and 2) out of pocket cost is $18,000...hence the title of this blog. Pretty clever title, huh?

So many questions that need answers and answers that need questions before surgery is scheduled. SUCH a long to-do list. And, lucky you, you get to enter the dangerous arena of my brain as I vomit all of these onto this blog. You are welcome.

Random-ish thoughts: Part One

1. Must figure out how to make more money. Something I've been considering for a while is some private practice work on the side. One night of 4-5 clients per week would bring in more than enough money for the surgery...and I'd be able to pay it off in a year if I was very focused. This, I think, is a good plan. God has opened a lot of doors to make this a possibility. My clinical supervisor has been gently nudging (aka harassing) me to do this (referring clients to me ALL THE TIME). I have a few things to do before I can do private practice work but I believe I have a space to work from so it's a matter of getting liability insurance and a few office type supplies (credit card reader, etc) and calling people. What am I waiting for?!?!

2. I still want to appeal my insurance company's denial of coverage. It's a LOOOOONG shot but I have a letter of recommendation from my primary care doc so it's worth the shot!

3. I have done a BUTT LOAD (pun intended) of research. There are three bariatric surgeries done at the KC Bariatric Center. 1) Lap-band...not interested but willing to listen if doc feels it's the best option. I don't believe it is, too much follow up that is needed for adjustments and those will all be out of pocket on top of the out of pocket. Kinda like jeans from the '80s...just a little much. 2) Gastric Bypass...very interested, very expensive ($18,000). "Simply" reduces the size of your stomach. Big side effects: dumping syndrome which occurs when the undigested contents of your stomach are "dumped" into your small intestine too rapidly, causing nausea and vomiting and diarrhea, OH MY! Still with me? Lastly, 3) Gastric Sleeve....this one I didn't know much about until I started researching. KC Bariatric center has a special ($12,000)...not sure if that should make me uncomfortable or not...anyways, Gastric Sleeve is like gastric bypass except they actually remove the extra part of your stomach (unlike gastric bypass where that part stays in your body, which actually grosses me out to think of a loose stomach just hanging around. What if...nevermind. *shutter* ANYWHOOOOOO...where was I? Oh, yes. Removing part of my stomach. Yes. This surgery drastically reduces the amount of food you’re able to ingest so you feel fuller with much less food, making the restricted caloric intake easier. ALSO, since that part of the stomach is removed, dumping syndrome (from what I read) is less likely. ALSO, and this is big...The part of the stomach removed is largely responsible for producing a hormone called Ghrelin, which is responsible for feelings of hunger. With much of the stomach removed and the hormones responsible for feeling hunger reduced, I will feel full much longer after eating and become hungry less frequently. This is good. Ok. So much info and I'm STILL excited. Anyone else excited with me?

So, why I have decided to do this? This is the part where you should stop reading unless you're ok with some brutal honesty and vulnerability. I'm kind of anxious about writing this. Here goes nothin':

1. I have carried around with me a physical from when I was 12 years old that says lists my weight as 206.5 pounds. Two hundred and six and a half pounds at twelve years old. I feel like I could stop there and people would understand. Can you imagine what it's like for a 12 year old to weigh 206 pounds? The bullying and depression that came with that was unbearable at times and came with dark thoughts that no 12 year old should ever posses. No wonder I am drawn to work with teens with depression, anxiety, etc. I get it, I mean, I REALLY get it.

*I have such a strong voice inside of me telling me to stop and not go on but I've started and think it is important for my friends to know why this is so important and crucial for me. It is potentially a life-saving procedure as the risks that come with obesity are life-threatening. I feel I have dodged the bullet long enough*

2. I carry an excess of 150 pounds of extra weight on my body. That is another person. I believe I have been given mercy by God that I've avoided many health problems that come with obesity (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, chronic pain, etc).

3. There are many critics of bariatric surgery. I do not view it as the answer but rather a tool that will help me get healthy. There is nothing easy about meat smoothies (pureed meats are on the menu for a few weeks...I like to call them meat smoothies), changing everything about how you view food. I think there is a popular belief that obese people are binge eaters, people who sit around eating whole containers of cookies and ice cream for a snack. This is not me. I do not have binge eating disorder. I love food, I love good food, I love to cook and to bake and to celebrate with food. This is going to be the hard part...I will have to find new ways to celebrate with people I love other than baking for them and organizing everything around what we will eat. This is not the easy way out. I have a voice in my head that says, "Why don't you just try one pound at a time?" Guess what? I've been trying to lose one pound at a time for 25 years. I'm ready for some help and believe, through prayer, and research, and personal discussions with friends and family who have undergone this surgery, that this will help me achieve my dream.

4. What it's like to be obese that skinny people don't always know: 1) You can't ride roller coasters. Until right now, Jason is the only person in my life who knows how desperately I love the thrill of a roller coaster. Out of embarrassment I tell people I'm afraid of them. The truth is, I cannot fit in the seats. That's the truth. How I long for the day for a trip to World's of Fun or any amusement park without limitations...there will be a day!! 2) I worry every time I go to a restaurant that I there will be arm chairs and can't even explain the anxiety that causes. 3) Airplane seats. Enough said.

5. I want to be alive for a long time. A LONG time.

6. I want to have nice clothes that look nice on me.

7. I want to run. I have always wanted to be a runner. I've dreamed about going on a run with my friend Mendy and kicking her bootie. Just thinking about running releases some endorphins for me. It is SO exciting to me just the thought of running! If nothing else, I want to be able to walk as fast as Tiffany Classen. :)

Ok. There it is. Please, if you have read this, please pray for this journey. This is not just a random thought. It is one I have labored over and am ready for. I am NOT financially ready for this but feel that I can be with some hard work and feel if this is God's plan that doors will continue to open as they have been. My goal right now is to finish the prep work (getting private practice work started, start saving that money, follow through with appeal process just in case, apply for financial assistance for the surgery, put together dream outfits on Gap Website, etc) by the end of the year. My gut says January will be a perfect time for surgery. What better way to start the new year than with a new body?!

I'm going to continue blog about this journey. I have not felt more confident in this decision than I do right now. At the end of this blog. I am content and ready and will need more support than any of you know. I have told several people (family and friends) about this and have a lot of local support. My work supports me, my family, my friends, the lady at the Walgreens check out lane whom I randomly started a conversation with and can't remember why except that I was SO excited and had been doing a lot of praying that day. She was excited for me. It's kind of contagious when people are so excited, as I am.

*deep breath*

Love you all.

TWO!

I can't believe it but my little bundle just turned two. TWO! We had a birthday party for him yesterday and it was overall a big success, other than him not napping and nearly falling asleep on his amazing birthday cake (insert ad for http://www.portercakes.com/). I posted a picture below of the awesome that was Will's cake. I say "was" because, well, I think you get the jest :) We had water fun, cake, black cows (root beer floats with chocolate syrup and whipped cream), lots of balloons, too many gifts, lots of family time, and only a mini breakdown by yours truly...it was fantastic. Some pics:

potty-training

So, I'm pretty sure Will is potty-trained. This is crazy talk to me, as he is only 21-months old. I, being a first-timer (on the training side, not the pottying side) had very little clue about how to proceed. First of all, there are the boy parts. Do I train him to stand up and pee or sit down and pee? Food rewards vs. non-food rewards? Fancy potty chair vs. hole-in-the-ground? Naked training (him, not me) vs. pull-ups. After much research by both myself and Jason, we decided to go nearly cold turkey. Diapers only at nights.

Oye-vay. Not sure I was ready, but we were pretty positive Will was ready. How we knew:

1. He started to consistently use the potty sign we had taught him. Hand in a fist and twist wrist back and forth. He was using this as he pee'd in his diaper and our daycare lady used it everytime she brought him to the potty chair.

2. He was dry after all naps and after 12 hours of sleeping at night.

3. He didn't like being in a wet diaper (but this has been the case for most of his life).

Ok. He was ready, but were we? We decided to give it a go. To be honest, I really was not convinced it would work but was willing since our daycare lady was convinced he was ready.

Here was the plan of attack:

One Month Prior to Memorial Day Weekend:

Diapers 100% of the time. Brought Will to potty chair many times a day. Our daycare lady was awe-some. She brought him to the chair every hour on the hour. We did as well as we could on the weekend but were not nearly as consistent as she was. Daycare lady said, "When you're ready to be trained, Will is ready". Oh, this is about me. I get it. And I found out it really was a lot about training me to be consistent and patient, two things I am not great at.

Memorial Three-Day Weekend:

We planned nothing but potty-training. Stocked up on cute little boy undies (briefs and boxer-briefs, the boy should have options), no pull-ups were ever purchased. Potty chair in the living room, carpet cleaner on hand. Then we stood watch. Whenever he pee'd, we swooped him up and brought him to the potty chair, being pee'd all over along the way. After day 1 I'd say he was starting to connect the potty chair with whatever was happening "down under". Every time he pottied on the chair, he got M&M's. I did find out later (like this weekend) that Jason has been giving him about 15 M&M's whenever he went on the potty. I've been giving him, like, 3. Poor boy ;)

Day 2: same story.

Day 3: same story except by this time he was starting to walk to the potty and sit down and go. Sometimes he made it, sometimes he didn't.

From that point on, he was in undies except during bed. For the past few weeks, Will has been consistently dry after waking up in the morning and has had 1-2 accidents during the day. Two night ago, I decided to go all-the-way, baby! No diapers at night. He's been dry both mornings and has pee'd like a race horse (on the potty) right when he wakes up! He has had one accident in the past three days and continues to use his potty sign to tell us he has to go. I was anxious the first few times he used it while we were driving but he's been able to hold it.

THIS IS CRAZY! He is only 21-months old. What can I say? My boy's a genius.

Just so proud. And, honestly, I'm proud of myself and Jason, too! I can't tell you how mentally exhausting Memorial Day weekend was. I was SO ready for work on Tuesday, let me tell ya! But, I see the horizon. Not sure when I can "officially" say he's potty-trained. All I know is we're so proud....and ready for baby #2! Better get busy!

No wasted sorrows

There are 8 graduations at Shelterwood this week. EIGHT! Whew. God is doing amazing things at this place. Have I told you how much I love it? Basically, they'll have to wheel me out of there. I mean, I am in. I'M. IN. I believe God has positioned me at this place at this time for a reason. I don't know that my faith has ever been stronger. I also don't know if the challenges have ever been greater. It's exhausting work. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically, at times. And day after day I can't wait to go to work.

So, back to the graduations. For those that don't know, Shelterwood is a Christian Therapeutic Boarding School. Kids don't just stay there for a few months. They are there for at least 8 months. At least. That's a long time and a LOT of work happens during that time. You (they) can make surface changes in a few months. You know, the "slap a bandaid on the problem and it will go away" kind of fix. Yea, that doesn't really work for the long term. We call those first-order changes in my world. Those happen all the time in life. Even in my life.

I'm talkin' about real big, life-altering, generation-changing, change. Second-order change. The best kind of all change. The kind that digs below the surface. Below the baggage. Below the stuff (or poop as one of my girls and I refer to it). That kind. God change. During one of the parent's speeches she said, "God doesn't waste our sorrows." I.LOVE.THAT. I'm bringing that with me, tucking it in my pocket, and marinating in it like a big fat Kansas beef steak. MAR-I-NA-TING. SOAKIN' IT IN, BABY! I just left that graduation and have probably repeated it about, oh, a thousand times in my head already. I had to share.

Say it again.

GOD DOESN'T WASTE OUR SORROWS.

All the crap that the world offers, all the struggles in our lives, all the heart ache. They are for a purpose. I know, like many, I can quote Jeremiah 29:11. God has plans for us, plans for hope, a future, not to harm us. I believe that. It's my favorite verse. But to be reminded that God doesn't waste the crap that we experience is kind of life altering for me. I kind of feel like, well, like I have graduated. Like I'm going to close one chapter of my life and move on. Moving away from friends I've had for almost a decade has been hard to say the least. I have felt lost without them. I have been sorrowful at times. Guess what I'm going to say next. Yep. God doesn't waste our sorrows.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I guess I'm ready to let some of the past go. Some of the crap that I've held onto. The mistakes I've made. God is using them right now. I don't have to be held captive to mistakes I've made or that others have made against me. I am free and it feels good, baby!

randomness

So, in Laura-fashion, I thought I'd do a random blog. They are always my favorite to read! So, here I go:

1. I am loving my job!! Honestly, there was a part of me that thought I'd only stay here until we had a second baby and then find somewhere closer to Johnson County. And, much to my dismay, I love it too much to do that. I've transformed my office into a space that I want to be in. I need a little more art on the walls and my diplomas but other than that I'm GOLDEN! Feeling very blessed to be surrounded by so many authentic Christians.

2. Our old computer died and we really didn't have money for a new one. We decided that IF we get tax money back we would spend whatever amount of money we got on a computer. We weren't expecting any tax return but ended up with enough for a huge (and I mean HUGE) Apple computer. 27 inches of (only slightly) impulse spending :) I cannot WAIT to start doing some photo editing on this baby! Oh, and I should probably admit something. Last night, which was it's first night out of the box (it being the computer of course :), I almost spilled chocolate milk all over it. I'm pretty sure that's God's way of saying I shouldn't be drinking chocolate milk every night.

3. Speaking of chocolate milk, I have GOT to get back on the eating healthy wagon. It's so hard when my day is so packed full! Eating quick processed meals is so much easier! Actually, that's a cop out. It's really not. Eating healthy just takes prep time which I don't do. So, this weekend when I go shopping it will be veggies and lean, healthy meats. It's ON. And, I'm going to look into Zumba classes. We don't really have money for it but I know that dancing is an exercise I don't really get tired of. Boy, how I wish Tiffany would start teaching dance classes again. That was the BEST!!

4. Book Club. So, my friend Kellie invited me to her book club. Here's what I know for sure after leaving it: 1. I'm old (which was confirmed by all the waiters and waitresses at the restaurant). That's a long story I will tell if you'd like. 2. You can't have too much Glace Artisan Ice Cream. and 3. Mi lika the pina colada 4. We don't really talk about books :)

5. Excited about Easter Weekend! Going to have family pics taken. Pretty sure last time that happened I was in diapers. Or close :)

6. I like to use smiley faces too much :) :) :)

7. So, I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution the other night. Has anyone else watched that? It's REALLY disturbing!! Truly. I learned how ground beef is processed (outside of my uncle's farms). I can't eat it anymore. Nope. Won't do it. I guess that will help aid #3 above.

8. For years I have been buying boot leg jeans cause I will NOT wear those skinny leg jeans. That would not be pretty. The lady at Lane Bryant told me I should try the "simply straight" jeans. She was oh-so-cute and very fashionable. Kind of like a plus-size version of Tiffany now that I think about it. So, I gave in and tried them. Can you say "I'll take one in every color"? I LOVE them!!! I'll be wearing them to the next KGR weekend so watch out ladies!!

9. I really need a vacation. I'm planning a trip to Wichita at the end of May but I'm pretty sure (as fun as it will be to see everyone) that will not be the vacation I need. I need relax, no cell phones, no computers, no clients kind of vacation. Maybe for our 11-year anniversary in October since we never had our 10-year anniversary vacation to Italy that we always talked about!

10. Oh, OUR HOUSE SOLD! Did you all know that? It's a pretty big deal to have that extra cash to put aside every month for a new house. Unfortunately, the little equity we had in the house is going to pay off debt but that's also very exciting! We will be in the red. Or black. Or white. Wherever we are supposed to be, that's where we are! YAY!

11. Living with Sandy is going really well. She and Will are really growing close which I LOVE. So happy that this is all working out.

12. All in all, I'm doing good and loving life right now. Need to get a few things on track but if life was perfect, I'd be in Heaven

Love y'all,