the day I ate a granola bar and lived to tell about it

Well..it's true. I caved. I ate a granola bar. Truth is, I don't feel bad about it. This is a great feeling! No extreme feelings running through my mind of failure. I'm reminded that I'm human. I ate one, not the whole box (not that I could these days). I want to continue to focus on what I have done well, not the one granola bar. For the past nine days I have drank more water than ever, had more energy than ever, eaten lean meats and lots of veggies. I've convincingly encouraged my husband to join in the challenge and made healthier meals for Will. And only eaten out once! These are much more powerful than a single granola bar (a low sugar one at that!). And, no, I'm not starting back over at day 1 like the plan says to do. That would only encourage my black and white thinking. No, thank you. I'll just start back over now. Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not next month. Now. And I won't feel bad about it.

In the past nine days I've passed up homemade rolls, fries, candy...I can do this long term and still enjoy an occasional sweet. I will finish out the 21-day sugar cleanse with the goal of sticking with it.  I'll also not expect perfection and that is ok with me.

Until later,

Michelle

Day 5: The Day I Learned I Could Live Without Butter

So, the other day I discovered coconut oil popped popcorn. That was glorious. Today, I cooked some beets. I planned beets for my evening sweet treat. Yes, I know, I'm not normal :) Other reasons I'm not so normal:

My favorite pizza is pepperoni and sauerkraut
I love hot buttered beets
I love when my fingers smell like garlic after cooking with garlic

Ok...back to the beets. So, I usually put a massive conservative amount of butter and salt on hot beets. It's lovely and decadent. Well, butter isn't on the list right now so I had to think outside of the box. So I drizzled a small amount of coconut oil over the beets, sprinkled some Murray River Sea Salt from Oleaceae (http://www.oleaceaeoliveoil.com/) and VOILA!! It was perfection. 

Food was pretty much the same today.  I'm going to start planning for next week. 

Cleanse: Day 4

Long day. Just settling in so this will be short and swee---er, savory. Another successful day despite the deliciousness of a dinner prepared by my mother-in-law. To her credit, she didn't understand the intensity of the cleanse as many initially do not. Steak, veggies, her homemade (and famous) rolls, cinnamon rolls made from the same dough, baked potatoes....and then Jason's brother made baked BBQ beans and homemade potato salad that looked to die for!! I had steak and veggies and felt really good about it! Success!!!

Food today was a lot of leftovers...quinoa, , grilled veggies, roasted corn, roasted chicken, coconut oil popped popcorn (a big time favorite!), and the trusty seeds and nuts. God is totally walking beside me on this journey as I don't feel totally denied of all things yummy.

That's all today! Later!

Sugar Cleanse: Day 3

Day three and still going strong. Had to stop at the grocery store tonight and was pretty tempted but didn't give in. The more I see sweets the more I realize how addictive sugar has been to me. I've been watching "Super Size Me" over the past few days to keep me motivated and it really works. Have you watched that documentary. It's pretty terrible to see what happens to Morgan Spurlock as he eats McDonald's for three square meals a day. Yuck. And to think about how many times we've stopped there for a quick bite to eat. And the sweet tea. That's a whole different story. 

Today. I woke up in such a great mood. Felt well-rested and energized and didn't get anymore sleep than normal. That was such a great feeling! Have kind of a headache right now, first one I've had actually. Other than that and a bit of crankiness the first two days I  haven't really had many negative side effects. Yay!!

The Food

Meal 1: avocado and tomato (keep in mind when I write that I had an avocado it's not a whole one...my stomach couldn't handle that much)
Meal 2: scrambled eggs with grilled peppers and onions 
Meal 3: 2oz pork chip, 1/4 cup corn, sweet potato
Snacks between meals: mixed nuts/seeds, coconut-oil popped popcorn

It was a good day. I'm pretty proud of myself!! 

...more tomorrow...

Sugar Cleanse: Day (YAWN!) 2

Well, if you can tell by the title, I'm tired. I'm not tired if the plan, just probably my body missing its usual caffeine and sugar intake. Normal cycle: tired, eat sugar/drink caffeine, sugar high, sugar crash, tired, rinse and repeat. Now: tired, keep busy, tired, tired, tired. I didn't yell at anyone today, though, so that's good!

I've caught myself planning for the first sugar-laden treat in which I'll indulge upon the completion of this cleanse. That is dangerous!! And probably why this isn't a 3 or 5 day cleanse. That would be way too easy and the "need" for sugar wouldn't be out of my system in that amount of time. This is a good plan. Sucks, but it's good.

Two things on my mind...a baby shower coming up that I think will include treats from The Sweet Tooth. Lord, BE WITH ME!! That will be hard. But...if I can remember this...The Sweet Tooth isn't going anywhere! I'll be fine. I can have a cupcake one day. But those days will have to be special days. And not the special days that are made up just so I can have a reason to eat a cupcake. Like the "I'll bring dessert to the work party" day or the "99 cents til closing" special day :) They are so good. So good. Chocolate Salted Caramel be still my heart. Actually, be still my heart if I keep eating so much dang sugar!! Moving on.....thing two is my looming 12-hour workday tomorrow. Tiredness+teenagers=....we will soon find out!

Now back to today...The Food

Meal 1: omelet with mushrooms and tomatoes
Meal 2: mixed nuts (cashews, almonds) and seeds (sunflower)
Meal 3: avocado and tomato south lime juice, celery & natural peanut butter
Meal 4: roast chicken
Meal 5: grilled pork chop and corn on the cob
Snack: popcorn popped in coconut oil

+ lots of water and my multivitamin

Good day!! Biggest surprise: the popcorn. First of all, I'm to limit corn/carrots/sweet potatoes but I can have them. As I was researching foods low in sugar, I happened upon popcorn. That surprised me. I assumed it was the same sugar-content as corn but I was wrong. One ear of corn has about 5 or 6 grams of sugar. One cup of popcorn has .07 grams of sugar. So I indulged and it was out-of-this-world good. Plus!!! Coconut oil is tremendous...a super food. I have many uses for coconut oil: it's my face wash and moisturizer and my deodorant to name a few. Some people eat a spoonful a day by itself. I'm not there yet. Yet.

That's my day. Going to wake up early to pack all my goodies for tomorrow.

Later!

Sugar Cleanse: Day 1

Well...I'm not sure I could say I expected day one to go like this. I laughed, I cried, I yelled. Wish I was kidding. This is truly a detox and it sucks!! But...BUT...it's worth it. If I've been consuming something, anything, that when I go without it I feel like life is over (sarcasm...mostly) then it's time to make a change. The only spot for that kind of need needs to be reserved for Jesus. At one point in the day Will put me in timeout and I GLADLY accepted.

 The Food

 Meal 1: scrambled egg with sautéed onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes
 Meal 2: quinoa, tomatoes, steamed kale, black beans, garbanzo beans
 Meal 3: 1/2 avocado, tomatoes, lime juice, salt
 Meal 4: roasted chicken, carrots, onions

 Throughout the day: almonds and cashews

Best tasting: close one but the roast chicken always wins!

Most surprising: kale. I've never had it but it's SO tasty. Gonna find new ways to incorporate it this week.

Saving grace: cashews. Feels/tastes unhealthy which was welcomed today!

Biggest challenge: missing milk and juice. I don't think milk in and if itself is bad for you but it does contain a lot of naturally-occurring sugars so it's out for now. I am going to limit myself to one unsweetened tea a day. It kind of sickening how much sugar I must have been consuming. Yikes!! Anytime I struggle I'll think abut that.

 More tomorrow...

 

Sugar Cleanse: Planning Phase

Well, hello there blog world. It's been a while. I've been busy. You've been busy. But that's no excuse. We must see each other more often...it's not you. It's me. ;) The last time I wrote I excitedly shared my weight loss/new pant size. I've lost more weight since then (in size 18 pants and have lost about 90 pounds total)!! However...I've hit a wall. I've discovered why so many weight loss surgery peeps have become sugar addicts: it's easy to consume. The ugly truth of weight loss surgery for me has been the vomitting when I've eaten too much. There's just not much room in my little pouch. Half a cup to be exact. Half of cup of meat/proteins is hard to measure. I'll stop there but trust me. It's a challenge. Half a cup of sweets is a totally different story. Sweet tea, candies, chocolate, etc don't take up much room and never hurt my stomach. So I gravitated to them when I got sick of getting sick. As time has passed, I've figured out the protein thing. I do much better at reading my natural body signals of being full. Vomitting/sickness is not as much of a problem. Yay! But now I'm in a cycle of sugar addiction and all the symptoms that come with. Yuck-O.

So I started to research sugar addictions, sugar cleansing, etc and happened upon a website : http://www.rosecole.com/handouts/21DaySugarDetox.pdf

 Talk about eye-opening. Wowzers!!! This stuff is bad. Like, really bad. Here's what I'm learning: "Sugar makes you fat, tired, and ugly...eating fat doesn’t make you fat, sugar does. Eating too much sugar and carbs is the reason that most people are tired all the time as well. Not to mention that sugar zaps the collagen in your skin, and dulls your complexion. Most Americans consume up to three pounds of sugar every week! It’s not always easy to get away from sugar because they put it in almost everything these days. It’s added to so many processed foods we eat, not just in what we consider “sweets”. Raised blood insulin levels causes weight gain. Insulin promotes the storage of fat; so, when you eat foods high in sugar, you increase fat storage. Resulting in rapid weight gain."

Luckily I haven't gained any weight back but if I continue in this cycle of sugar abuse it seems inevitable. So, I'm gonna do something kinda drastic. I know, I know. I tend to get excited about things, go strong for a while, and then fizzle out. Like the last time I watched Super Size Me and told Will, "We're not eating at McDonald's anymore, Buddy. It's bad for our bodies to eat that kind of food." When Will started getting upset, Jason said, "Buddy, mommy watched a documentary but don't worry. I'm sure we'll be back to McDonald's in a few weeks." He was right. This time needs to be different. I'm tired a lot more than in the past, my complexion isn't what it once was, and I crave sugar/simple carbs VERY often. Most of every day, actually. And don't get me started on McDonald's sweet tea. It's a problem. Truly. Like, a real problem.

 The Cleanse

 According to the site, signs that your blood sugar may be out of balance include:
• Cravings for sweets, sugar, or bread products. (This is almost a guaranteed sign that your blood sugar is out of balance)
• Fatigue after eating a meal, or “food-coma”
• Get lightheaded if meals are missed
• Eating Sweets does not relieve the cravings for sweets
• Depend on coffee to keep yourself going or started
• Difficulty losing weight

So, the website I listed above has a plan for a 21-Day Sugar Cleanse. This is going to suck BIG TIME!! Side effects during the cleanse that they warn about include:
Headaches
Flu / Cold-like symptoms / Chilling
More emotionally sensitive
Lethargic / Low energy
Diarrhea / Constipation
Gas / Bloating
Body odor / Bad breath
Skin breakouts / Rashes
Irritable Sporadic sleep
Old memories / emotions resurfacing
Mucus drainage

Fun, right?! Wrong. BUT!!!! The positive side effects will (hopefully) make it worth it:
Fat loss
Less bloating
Clearer skin
Less craving for sugar / food
Increased sense of taste (healthy food starts tasting better)
Increased energy
More consistent energy
More regular bowel movements
Increased sense of wellbeing
Elevated mood/less depression
Lower cholesterol
Better sleep

So, the journey begins on Saturday, June 1, 2013. Tonight I planned out my menu. I'm going to plan to blog daily over the course of the 21 days including food intake, emotions (including any table flipping that might occur), thoughts, side effects, etc. I hope this is a good read and I REALLY hope it gets me out of this cycle cause I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. :)

  ...

size 20

Today I bought new pants. Jeans, in fact. They are size 20. And, wait for it, I can breathe. This time, in that little red dressing room I have frequented, there was no sucking in while I zipped them. In fact, I was standing fully erect as I easily zipped them. Buttoned them. Then I VERY promptly took them off, turned them around in my hands, and examined the size. Yep. Size 20. Now, for you skinny folks, this is an accomplishment. Truly. At the beginning of this journey, I was busting out of the biggest size at Lane Bryant. Literally. Now, just 7 short months later, I'm almost into the REGULAR SECTION AT TARGET. Oh, regular section, how I have lusted after you. Lust may not be the appropriate word but it's the first one that came to mind. There is exactly one jean style at Target for any size over 18. At least that's the case at my Target. Then there's the regular section. There's a wall of jeans for size 18 and below. A WALL. A wall. Boot cut, skinny jean, straight, capri, oh my. Now, there are plus size capris. Lots of them. I own them all. But not jeans. Jeans you get one option: boot cut. First of all, I don't have any boots. Second of all. Actually, I have no second of all. Back to the topic at hand. For the first time in my life, I can see the other side. The regular section no longer depresses me, it motivates me. Oh, yes, regular section. I'm coming for you. Soon. Prepare yourself. BUT! I'll only be visiting for sizes 14-18. My very generous friend Mendy gifted me with a TON of very nice clothes in my dream sizes of 10 and 12. Ok. Too exciting. That's all for now! I really want to up my blogging. Think I should focus on this weight loss journey? The good the bad and the ugly?

homemade laundry detergent

Inspired by Brooke over at B In Real Life (www.binreallife.com), I made homemade laundry detergent! It works amazingly well and only cost about $2.50 for an entire months worth of laundry detergent! Sorry some of the pics are blurry.

Ingredients for amount shown in picture below:

1 grated bar of soap (any kind you like)
1 cup washing soda
1 cup Borax

Mix ingredients in blender or food processor. Use 1 tablespoon per load of laundry.












Awesome.

inadequate

Yesterday was a rough day. Working with teenagers who are struggling emotionally/mentally/spiritually is a heart-wrenching, challenging job.

As I wrote that sentence, I actually erased it several times, trying to rewrite it to make it sound like I was feeling. That became impossible. The truth is, we are all struggling emotionally/mentally/spiritually to some degree. If we're not, then we're not growing. Growth is not easy. It's challenging. And it's rewarding. Every single day I'm reminded of that on a very, VERY big level. My struggle may not look like their struggle but it sure makes me feel inadequate some days. Like yesterday.

I am reminded of God's presence and unconditional love for me during every minute with these kids. I'm inspired, humbled, and in awe of this all-encompassing presence of our God. He is able to make changes in the lives of these hurting kids that blows my mind. Ephesians 3:20 says, "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."

Steven Furtick said at a Leadership conference I attended last year: "If your vision is not intimidating to you, it is probably insulting to God." Today, may your faith be so audacious that you believe that every thing is possible. Every thing. I pray that you will believe bigger than you've ever believed, to the point that you look crazy-insane-out-of-your-mind-weird to the world. That, I believe, would be pleasing to God.

nighttime

Every night, there is a bedtime routine with Will that goes like this:

1. Bath time. Will HATES bath. And I mean hates. Like worse than he hates the nose sucker.
2. Pick out P.J.'s. Will would rather wear his robe to bed. Sometimes we let him cause it's so darn cute.
3. Jason and/or I read Will anywhere between one and seven thousand books. Current favorites: Tickle Monster Book/Kit, I Love you Stinky Face, and Goodnight Moon. Will likes the one about trucks :)
4. Turn on turtle night light.
5. Turn on calming music.
6. Turn off lamp.
7. Bitty Baby Prayer Time. I've started consistently asking Will who he wants to pray for. Before now, I have just been saying a prayer for him out loud and at the end when I say "Amen" he agrees and says "Amy". Apparently he thinks we pray to the daycare lady, Amy. Now, Will has a list of about 100 people he wants us to pray for. Not literally 100, but the list goes like this: Mommy, Daddy, Will, Izzy, Grandma, Grandma, Grandpa, Kevin, Theresa, Eric, Mommy, Daddy, Will, Izzy, Sonny...you get the picture. Some people need extra prayers, I guess. It's uber sweet and inspires us to be the best spiritual guides for him possible.
8. "Mommy Back". This is the point in the nighttime routine where Will will ONLY let me rub his back. Not daddy. Apparently mommy has special skills. I'm fine with that. As is Jason who usually goes and watches some kind of wrestling show that I wouldn't normally watch with him.

That's it. Not sure what inspired me to write a post about our nighttime. Other than it's one of my favorite parts of the day. My sweet boy and his prayer list. I'm one blessed mama bear.

Updates and random thoughts

So, one month out from my surgery and I'm down 42 pounds. I am so, so, so happy with this decision!!! Most of the feedback has been incredible from friends. I so appreciate the love and support. Some people want me to focus on what I've gained rather than what I've lost. Here's the truth, people. I have battled for 33 years my weight. And, I mean battled. Been bullied severly...been through therapy...physically struggled with pain throughout my body, moreso than anyone except Jason really knows about. Chronic pain in my back, hips, knees, shoulders, etc. All due to my physical weight and all.completely.gone...because of what I've LOST. Clearly, I have gained a lot. Clearly. But, for now, I ask to revel in, bask in, rejoice in, even roll around in what I have lost. My life and my family's life will be forever changed. And it just keeps getting better. I'm a loser and I love it.

Randomness

1. Have everything set for private practice. Files, paperwork, place. Now I need clients :) I'll be working in Overland Park so if you know anyone in need, send 'em my way!

2. I found a house that Jason and I love. Farmhouse, two acres, barn, four bedrooms, one and a half bath, close to our price range, half way between my work and Jason's work. Problem...we have a very specific debt-reduction plan than doesn't end until June. Sadness.

3. Did you know that I seriously want to own land and have a couple of goats, some chickens, a big garden, and huge family gatherings in the backyard like they do on Parenthood. Did you know that? See #2. I must trust God's timing. Jason reminded me of that today. This house just came for sale yesterday and it isn't exactly move in ready for most people. Maybe it will still be available when the summer comes around. Brooke K...if you read this...I'm already planning an all-white country kitchen with wrought-iron accents and lanterns. You would be proud!

4. My grandmother passed away on New Year's Eve. She was a saint. I miss her terribly.

5. I think my feet have shrunk, too. Shoes are loose and won't tighten anymore and they are lace-ups. Strange, huh?

6. Jason is a talented fire starter. So thankful for that!!

7. Had my mother-in-law and her father-in-law over for dinner tonight. Made a shrimp boil and it was awesome. Best food since my surgery. Three shrimp, one baby potato, and half an ear of corn. Delicious and stuffed. My teeny-tiny stomach is happy now.

8. Will is still an angel boy. Tonight, I found him passed out in bed with his nightlight shining in his face. It's a turtle that glows with stars onto the ceiling. So, Will had stars all over his face. He also had six books surrounding him. Think he's gonna need a bigger bed.

9. Jason and I are slowly pursuing adoption. I sometimes fantasize about meeting a pregnant coffee girl who wants me to raise her baby. Hasn't happened...yet. We are gonna need more babies to fill our farmhouse and to mow our lawn. See #2. ;)

best.birthday.ever

This birthday is different. It is not focused on where I will eat my birthday dinner, which birthday dessert I will choose, what presents I will get. I confess, I have been very selfish when it comes to my birthdays. Entitled, even.

This year is different. Family is coming over. Friends are visiting. There will be no cake. There will be minimal food (for me, anyways). There will (apparently) be a ton of pain. But most importantly, there is such hope. Hope of finally shedding pounds in the coming year. Hope of releasing a burden that has plagued me for 33 years. THIS IS THE BIGGEST AND BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT I'VE EVER GIVEN MYSELF!! I can't even fathom what is to come. Can't.even.fathom.

I'm in quite a bit of pain this morning. Enough that we're not going to church. Our church family has become very important to us, to our marriage. We have some church-hurts that have happened throughout our marriage that kept us away for a while. It's comforting to have found an awesome church home here in Independence.

Despite the pain, I am happy. I believe I have been happy for a long time but this kind of happiness is new to me. It is one that has been slow-roasted, marinated, and dripping in awesome-sauce. That kind of hope. It's fascinating.

The scale. The scale helps on days like today that feel particularly impossible in regards to pain. I'm down 23 pounds. I had gained some of my weight back after surgery since they pump you so full of fluids. So, since this journey started two weeks ago, I have lost 23 pounds. Is that insane? I've almost lost Will's entire body weight!

I have been so blessed. I think having less focus on the "whats, whens, wheres" of my birthday, has opened me up to the who's and the why's. Who's: I am blessed beyond belief by friends and family. Endless messages checking how I'm doing, food being delivered for Jason by my work family on a daily basis, visitors who don't expect me to be a good hostess or to have a clean house when they drop by. Why's: I don't doubt the love God has for me. Jeremiah 29:11 tells me God has big plans for me, plans for hope and a purpose. This has been my favorite verse for 15 years. Today, I get it. I believe it. I understand it.

Thank you, friends, for your support. Your text messages, emails, Facebook posts, cards, emails...mean the world to me. I love you all so much (all five of you who read this :)

Much love,

home sweet home

Well, surgery is over. Man, I was NOT expecting this pain AT ALL! I know everyone's different in how they respond. Apparently, I respond in lots of pain. BUT, it's getting better everyday. Highlights/Lowlights:

1. Apparently, when my mother-in-law went to get something to eat Wednesday night, I asked her to bring me back two pairs of chopsticks. Strange. I'm on a liquid diet for now...absolutely NO need for chopsticks. Must have been the meds. Funny, huh?

2. I can now stand and sit without help. Woop Woop!!

3. Since Tuesday evening, I have eaten about 4 tablespoons of liquids (broth, sugar free jello). Isn't it crazy?!

4. Jason and his mom are currently eating pizza. I realized today that I have had absolutely zero cravings. Mind-blowing!

5. Before, during, and after my surgery, I continued to get texts from my co-workers letting me know I was being prayed for. They also sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

Feeling very loved.

That's it. Just wanted to update you a bit.

One Week

In one week my life will change pretty dramatically and I can.not.wait!!!

This past week has been a challenge but not at all the kind I thought it would be. I've done it. It's been worth it. I've been supported. Friends who have been texting me, please know that means SO much to me. Please don't stop. I'll need continued support even following the surgery.

Today, I met with the surgeon and he was elated that I had already lost 11 pounds in one week! I asked him, "Is there *any* other food I can eat, even pudding, maybe yogurt, a biscuit, ANYTHING?!?!" I was expecting a firm "no" or maybe an "absolutely, if you don't want to have the surgery". I wasn't hopeful and then he said it. The word I didn't expect to hear. I can still hear it in slow motion. "sssssuuuuurrrreeeee". I'msorrywhat? Excuse me? Como se what? Did you say "sure". Seriously!?! Apparently, he was so happy with my 11 pounds that he feels I can add have a few actual meals (high protein, low fat) between now and next Wednesday. Oh.my.word. Who knew a stinkin' chicken breast would mean so much? Ahhh. So, after church tonight I picked up a few Kentucky Grilled Chicken wings. I bought three, didn't want to overdo it. I ate one and had had enough. That was all I needed. I can't believe this will soon be the story of my life.

Michelle Worley: Livin' life one chicken wing at a time :)

Things I could use prayer for:

1. Anxiety about getting everything caught up at work so that I can leave for the week following my surgery without the pressure of paperwork left behind. Saturday I'm spending the ENTIRE day at Panera doing paperwork. 12 hours. Intense.

2. I'm helping plan a Spiritual Retreat for students and staff at Shelterwood Monday and Tuesday. My surgery is Wednesday so the timing is perfect. I have a LOT to do to be ready for the retreat. On top of the paperwork, it's causing some stress but I'm really excited for the retreat.

That's it. I'm ready to go. Oh my oh my. So excited!!

beginning of cranky

Today begins the countdown to my surgery...TWO WEEKS AWAY!! While that is grand and great and lovely and exciting it also means today starts my two-week liver reduction diet. I think I posted about that last time. Essentially, this is a liquid diet consisting of ONLY water, decaffinated tea, crystal light, bariatric protein shakes, sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, and chicken broth. No thanksgiving dinner for me this year but LOTS of thanksgiving. I've already faced Lamar's Donuts this morning and didn't cave. The truth is, caving would make the surgery date impossible. The goal is to reduce the size of my liver, making the surgery technically easier for the surgeon. And I certainly want the surgery to be easy for the surgeon. Amen? Amen!

This morning was my mother-in-law's retirement party. They served Lamar's Donuts, as mentioned above. Then I went to Hyvee to order her a retirement cake for her 2nd retirement party tonight. There are going to be ENDLESS amounts of deliciousness over the course of the next two weeks. Is it worth it to miss out on all the fun holiday foods. AB-SO-LUT-ELY. 100% WITHOUT A DOUBT WORTH IT. I can't even fathom the changes that are about to take place in my life. What a blessing and what a FANTASTIC birthday present to myself.

December 7th can't come soon enough!

december 7

I thought about titling this blog "the day which will change my life" but that day occurred in the summer of 1996 when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. On December 7, 2011, just four days before my 34th birthday, I will undergo a surgery which will dramatically change my life: how I literally live my day to day life, how I will be able to relate to others, how I will be able to play with my son and how I will be able to be...well, just be. This surgery will change my very being. Yesterday, I scheduled my gastric sleeve surgery. December 7.

On November 23, I start a liquid diet (purpose to reduce the size of my liver and make the surgery technically easier for the surgeon. In case you didn't immediately realize, this is the day before Thanksgiving. I do not find it random that God would have the surgery scheduled so that November 23 would be the first day of this liquid diet. I have no ill-conceived notions that this will be easy. Liquid diet while I'm preparing a fantastic dinner for family and friends, increased financial worry, surgery days before my birthday which would usually be spent going out to eat with family and friends will now be spent drinking liquid birthday cake. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it, too :)

I think of the word sacrifice and that does not define what I'm about to welcome into my life. The struggle will not be these next few months of my life nor the lifetime after where food can no longer be an important part of my social life. The struggle has happened for the past 33 years. The bullying, the physical handicap that obesity has caused. This has been a struggle. Yes, I am prepared to eat my words after the surgery, pun intended. I know that grief will come and, although I am currently so excited about this surgery, I know I will have days that I may even regret it. The psychologist, doctor, friends/family, and nutritionist have warned me about the grief. I know this is a reality. I MUST keep in mind the big picture.

Lord, I pray that this surgery will not only impact my life but those around me. I pray that I will be more available and that the physical restrictions on my life right now will vanish. VANISH!! Lord, use me in any way you see fit. Thank you for providing this possibility for me. Lord, when life gets tough and when I grieve the loss of this relationship with food, please bring tangible things/people into my life that will remind me of the big picture. Thank you for open doors. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Stream of Consciousness

I just read Pioneer Woman's blog and was inspired to write a Laura-ish/Pioneer Woman-wish blog with random thoughts/stream of consciousness. Clear as mud?

1. I am sitting in Panera Bread with their free Wi-Fi. Supposed to be working but found my way to my blog. I guess this is called a lunch break? Whatever that is.

2. I am close to the date for scheduling my surgery. I am overwhelmed (in a good way) daily with thoughts of what my life will be like post-surgery. Sometimes this brings me to tears, even right now I'm overcome with excitement. I've decided to send my surgeon a "thank-you-in-advance" card. I'm going to pick one up today.

3. Panera has yummy soup. I LOVE soup. I remember the surprise party Jason threw for me for my 30th birthday. He planned everything to the "T". It was a soup and dessert party. There were several kinds of soup. He smelled like soup when he picked me up from school the day of my party. I remember the smile on his face. It was sweet. I LOVE soup....and Jason :)

4. We are getting ready to go on a long-weekend getaway to celebrate our 11-year anniversary, which is Friday. I can't wait! Heading to St. Louis for a few days of museums and fancy food. Then going to wine country in Missouri for some Octoberfest celebration and staying at a B&B. My brother-in-law graciously got us a VERY discounted room at the Hilton in St. Louis. Tre Fancy!! YAY!! Will is spending the weekend with my family. We are mailing him a gift while we're away: a 2-foot Ugly Doll. He's going to LOVE it.

5. I LOVE my job. Can I say LOVE enough? I mean it. Yesterday, as I was leaving, one of my teen clients, who has experienced trauma that would keep you awake at night cursing mankind said (actually yelled across a room of people) to me, "Thank you for loving me, Michelle". She is a miracle. She has gone from not trusting people AT ALL to being able to acknowledge that someone loves her in front of her peers. I am so very blessed. I believe, I know, this is my mission field. I can't help but be in love with this work. God is amazing in his plans. Even through trauma, God is present.

That's all. I suddenly am without words. Plus, Panera only allows 30 minutes of free Wi-Fi during peak lunch hours.

Michelle out.

decisions, decisions

Had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon yesterday. Lots of decisions made although there are more to be made. What we know "for sure":

1. I am going to plan to have the surgery done this year, maybe even next month!

2. Have to secure medical loan for $12,000. Doesn't that just sound fun? Donations accepted :)

3. EGD scheduled for this Thursday. Basically, they are going to stick a scope down my throat to check out my stomach and make sure all is ok. Doesn't that sound loverly? Um, no. Especially when they have to ask you questions like "do you have a living will" and makes statements like "make sure you have someone who will be with you for 12 full hours after the procedure". Thanks, that makes me feel comfortable. I'm more nervous about this procedure than I am the actual surgery!! Prayers welcomed.

4. November 4th...scheduled for psychological evaluation and appointment with nutritionist. I'm actually looking forward to this day.

5. Tomorrow I'm going to call and schedule the surgery date. I will be in the hospital less than 24 hours start to finish. One week of recovery. Then I'm "done"! There are little complications with Gastric Sleeve (which is the procedure I've decided on after meeting with the surgeon and talking a LOT with Jason). Doc said he has performed this surgery on close friends who he goes to dinner with and said you can hardly tell except that he eats 1/3rd of what Doc eats.

6. Prepare for brutal honesty....Doc said I can expect to lose 80% of my excess body weight. Keep in mind that is based on the 120 pounds that a 5'7" person "should" weight. He said I'd probably lose around 175 pounds. That is 1.75 New Kids on the Block.

7. First thing I will do the second it is possible: plan my trip to World's of Fun. Who's with me?!?!?!?!?!

8. Next step: start day-dreaming about the clothes I will get to wear. At my current weight, my style is largely determined for me. Not anymore, baby!! I have no idea what my style might be. Do you know I'm going to probably weight less than I did in the 6th grade! Since I probably won't dress like I did in the 6th grade, I'm going to have to start researching styles I like. How exciting! Gonna need help!!

Anxious is a good word for how I'm feeling.

today

So, after my mostly informative and detached blog yesterday, I am an emotional mess today. I'm so sad about this news and was in "fix-it" gear yesterday. Today, not so much. I'm just sad. I don't know what else to say. It's heart breaking. I want more babies. So badly. This is hard.